Feeling like a late bloomer when it comes to sex? There’s hope

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Ian Kerner is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer and contributor on the topic of relationships for CNN. His most recent book is a guide for couples, “So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex.”

Who wants to date these days? My patients tell me the apps have turned dating into a competitive marketplace marked by quick and easy rejection. Meanwhile, social media makes it feel like everyone else is living their best romantic life.

Adding to the anxiety, more people, especially Gen Zers, are telling me that they are late bloomers when it comes to sex. They feel like they have too little sexual experience compared to what they think is typical for their age.

These patients believe they lack the chops to be a good lover. “Won’t it be obvious when I’m in bed with someone who has experience and knows what they’re doing and what to expect?” many worry. Many self-labeled late bloomers feel they’re “sexually doomed” and will never be able to catch up.

In my experience, those negative self-beliefs often become self-fulfilling prophecies unless they’re challenged head-on.

When it comes to being a good sexual partner, to what extent does experience really matter? Can a late bloomer make up for lost time and even excel as a sexual partner? Should we even be using the term? To get some answers, I turned to my colleagues across the country.

Does having a lot of sexual experience automatically make you a better lover than someone with little to no experience?

No. My colleagues agree that quantity doesn’t equal quality.

“Having a lot of sexual experience doesn’t automatically equate to being a better lover,” explained Dr. Justin Lehmiller, research fellow at The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University in Bloomington. “Being good in bed has less to do with how much sex you’ve had and far more to do with how communicative and responsive you are with your partner.”

“No one’s ‘seen it all’ in a way that really matters, because every partner is different,” added psychologist Rachel Needle, co-director of the Modern Sex Therapy Institute in West Palm Beach Florida. “Every new sexual relationship is an opportunity to listen, adapt, and learn. Those qualities are far better predictors of satisfying sex than the number of sexual partners someone has had.”

What’s later than average for a first-time sexual experiences?

Therapists don’t have a simple answer. “On average, people in the United States have their first sexual experience around the age of 17 or 18, but that number has been creeping up in recent years, and a growing number of people are reaching adulthood without having had sex,” Lehmiller said.

In a recent survey by Lehmiller and his colleagues at the Kinsey Institute, 22% of single adults ages 18 to 91 said they had yet to have a partnered sexual experience. “What makes someone a late bloomer is less about their actual age and more about the subjective feeling that they’re late to the game,” Lehmiller said.

“I’m not a fan of the term ‘late bloomer’ when it comes to sexual experience,” said Lily Hetzler, a sex therapist in New York. “It suggests that there is a ‘right’ time to have sex and fails to account for the myriad factors that influence the expression of our sexuality.”

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Instead of asking how much sex you should have had by now, ask yourself if you’re making choices that feel right for you, Needle advised. “Sexual milestones aren’t achievements to unlock on a schedule,” she said. “What matters isn’t whether your timeline matches anyone else’s — it’s whether your experiences are consensual, meaningful and aligned with your own values and readiness.”

“The term ‘late bloomer’ implies that earlier is better, privileging early developmental sexual experiences in a way that could be unhealthy,” said sex therapist Rebecca Sokoll, a psychotherapist in New York City.

In fact, starting too early often has more downsides than taking it slow. Many of my patients tell me that they regret their first experiences with sex and wish they had waited until they were more “emotionally ready” and could better cherish the memories.

What are some of the reasons someone might wait to have sex for the first time?

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People may be waiting for any number of reasons. Sex may simply not be a priority, or they have strongly held religious beliefs, or have fears and anxiety around the topic.

“We may be seeing more late bloomers today because young people simply have fewer opportunities for sex,” Lehmiller added. They’re often living with their parents longer and have less privacy and independence as a result. “Delaying sex doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want it; it may be that their circumstances are making it more difficult to pursue.”

Nicole McNichols, who teaches human sexuality at the University of Washington, explained it’s part of a larger generational shift. Although the Covid-19 pandemic, social media and other factors have been blamed for the decline in young adults’ sexual activity, she notes that data pinpoints a more mundane reason: Fewer young adults are in relationships and fewer are drinking alcohol.

“The real questions is: Are these necessarily bad things? Maybe a lot of what used to pass for youthful sexual activity was alcohol-involved in ways that weren’t always healthy, wanted or fully consensual,” she said. “Its decline might say more about young women setting boundaries than about anyone missing out on something valuable.”

Are sexual timelines different for many gay men?

They can be. “Most gay men are, in some sense, late bloomers,” said Amos Wolff, a marriage and family therapist licensed in New York and New Jersey. “We’re defaulted to heterosexual until proven otherwise, so attraction usually arrives long before we have the language or permission to act on it. I’d define ‘blooming’ as the first sexual experience where joy outweighs shame.”

“Many queer people are stereotyped by society as hypersexualized ‘sex addicts’ or indiscriminate in their sexual desires,” added Scott Duquette, a sex and relationship therapist and supervisor at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy’s Sex Therapy Division in New York City. “These stereotypes may unduly burden them with pressures to conform to social expectations, despite their actual desires.

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Your obsession with ‘Heated Rivalry’ is about much more than sex, therapists say

But these challenges aren’t limited to gay men. “My male clients struggle far more when they are the partner with less sexual experience,” said sex therapist Eva Dillon, a psychotherapist in New York City. “The cultural expectation that heterosexual men should be sexually skilled and have had many partners is alive and well.”

Does lack of experience mean you’re sexually doomed? Is everyone else at a competitive advantage?

When it comes to sexual inexperience, the bigger obstacle is usually self-doubt, not the absence of experience itself, McNichols said. “Worrying about how you measure up can take you out of the moment so that you leave your body and get stuck in your head. But that reaction is about anxiety more than anything. It has nothing to do with lacking some superpower.”

In fact, people who come to sex later in life often bring real strengths to the table, including emotional maturity, a clearer sense of their own values and a better understanding of what they actually want from a partner, Needle said. Those qualities tend to shape a satisfying sexual relationship far more than a headstart ever would. The only real disadvantage comes from believing you’re at a disadvantage.”

Having sex later than the average age isn’t a negative, Dillon said. “Savoring the process of becoming a sexual being — and the anticipation of becoming sexually active — may ultimately lead to a deeper appreciation of the pleasures of sex when it begins.”

And it’s never too late to gain experience and learn new sexual skills. “I’ve worked with clients in their 70s who have wanted to explore new ways of connecting to their sexuality,” Hetzler said.

If you feel like you’re a late bloomer, should you tell a potential partner?

Not necessarily. You don’t owe someone a complete accounting of your sexual history, McNichols said. “There’s a difference between being honest and feeling like you must disclose your ‘number’ or your ‘body count.’”

If it comes up naturally, or if you want your partner to know, something brief and matter-of-fact works well: “I haven’t had a ton of experience, just so you know.” Full disclosure isn’t required. Just don’t pretend to be someone you’re not.

The right partner is much more likely to respect your honesty than judge you for your experience.

“If someone loses interest simply because you haven’t had many sexual experiences, they’re probably not the kind of partner who will create the safe, communicative and supportive relationship that leads to great sex anyway,” Needle said. “Once a relationship becomes intimate, how you treat each other matters much more than your sexual resume.”

There are many people with long sexual histories having bad sex. What are they doing wrong that a late bloomer could get right?

Having a lot of experience in the bedroom isn’t synonymous with being a good lover, said psychologist Leonor de Oliveira in Lisbon, Portugal.

“A long sexual history does not necessarily translate into noticing and adjusting to a partner’s unique expressions of sexual response and pleasure in each sexual encounter,” she said. “A late bloomer may be particularly attentive to specific sexual cues and more open to partner feedback.”

Sex therapist Juliane Maxwald in New York agreed. “Someone can have had many partners and still rely on the same sexual routines, while someone with less experience may be curious, attentive and willing to learn,” she explained.

Being a good lover has as much to do with sexual self-knowledge as it does with experience — understanding your own interests, desires, boundaries, and what gives you pleasure, while remaining curious about your partner’s.”

What advice do you have for late bloomers around having sex? Are there ways to gain experience that will ease the transition?

There’s plenty you can do to build sexual confidence, but having a lot of casual sex isn’t on the list, particularly if you push yourself into situations you’re not comfortable with. Instead, focus on learning what brings you pleasure. That’s something you don’t need a partner to learn, Duquette said.

“There are people who have a lot of partnered sex who struggle with identifying what feels good,” he explains. “Let erotic enjoyment be a real priority in your life. If there’s a desire, take that bubble bath; listen to that erotica; notice when your body is aroused and explore; let yourself linger in your sexy imagination. Be your own best friend with benefits.”

When you do start having sex, Needle recommended giving yourself permission to be new at it. “Choose partners who make you feel comfortable enough to ask questions, laugh when something is awkward, communicate openly and figure things out together,” she said. “Sex is experiential, so some things can only be learned by doing. But you don’t need dozens of partners to learn them. You need experiences where you feel safe enough to be present, curious and honest.”

“What really matters is whether you have been educated about the importance of not knowing what to do,” Sokoll added. “If you show up to a new partner believing that you already know what they are going to like, you are likely to be wrong and to have bad sex. The quality of the sex is determined by each person involved. Allow yourself to not know, to ask, to listen, and to notice in yourself what is exciting, arousing, or just feels good.”

What if you’re the partner of a late bloomer?

If you’re dating someone who’s a sexual late bloomer, try to resist the urge to see yourself as their teacher, Needle said. “Every relationship involves learning about each other, regardless of how much experience either person has. Instead of focusing on what they haven’t done, focus on creating an environment where they feel safe enough to ask questions, express preferences, and be honest if something feels awkward or unfamiliar. And you should feel comfortable doing the same.”

Consider yourself special. Someone else has intentionally chosen to share their first sexual experiences with you. “Having sex with a late bloomer can be a rare honor — a gift wrapped in agency and vulnerability,” de Oliveira said.

Remember, it’s normal for our sexual preferences and desires to change over time and with different partners. We’re constantly evolving.

“What a person might want sexually as a young adult is usually different from what a person wants in their 30s, 60s, or even 80s,” explained sex therapist Nanaho Sawano, who is licensed in New York and New Jersey. “People experience a learning curve throughout their lives, regardless of how many partners they might have had at any given time.”

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伊恩·克纳是一位持有执照的婚姻家庭治疗师、作家，也是CNN情感关系专栏的撰稿人。他的最新著作是一本面向夫妻的指南，名为《告诉我你上次性生活是什么时候》。

现在谁还想约会？我的病人告诉我，约会软件把约会变成了一场竞争激烈的市场，被拒绝既快又容易。与此同时，社交媒体又让人觉得别人都过着完美的爱情生活。

更令人焦虑的是，越来越多的人，尤其是Z世代，告诉我他们在性方面发育较晚。他们觉得自己性经验太少，远不及同龄人应有的水平。

这些患者认为自己缺乏成为优秀爱人的技巧。“如果我和一个经验丰富、懂得如何取悦对方的人上床，我的不足岂不是显而易见？”许多人担忧道。许多自称“性发育迟缓”的人觉得自己“性生活注定失败”，永远无法赶上别人。

根据我的经验，除非正面挑战这些消极的自我信念，否则它们往往会变成自我实现的预言。

谈到如何成为一名优秀的性伴侣，经验究竟有多重要？大器晚成者能否弥补时间上的不足，甚至在性方面表现出色？我们是否应该使用“大器晚成”这个词？为了找到答案，我向全国各地的同行们请教。

性经验丰富就一定比性经验少或没有性经验的人更擅长性爱吗？

不。我的同事们也认为数量并不等于质量。

“性经验丰富并不意味着就一定能成为更好的爱人，”印第安纳大学布卢明顿分校金赛研究所的研究员贾斯汀·莱米勒博士解释说。“床上功夫好不好，与其说是取决于性经验的多少，不如说是取决于你与伴侣的沟通和回应能力。”

“从真正重要的意义上来说，没有人能‘见多识广’，因为每个伴侣都是不同的，”佛罗里达州西棕榈滩现代性治疗研究所联合主任、心理学家瑞秋·尼德尔补充道。“每一段新的性关系都是一次倾听、适应和学习的机会。这些品质远比一个人有过多少性伴侣更能预测性生活的满意度。”

对于初次性经历来说，多晚才算晚？

治疗师们没有简单的答案。“在美国，人们平均在17或18岁左右经历第一次性行为，但近年来这个数字一直在缓慢上升，越来越多的人在成年之前还没有过性经历，”莱米勒说。

在莱米勒及其金赛研究所同事最近的一项调查中，22%的18至91岁单身成年人表示他们还没有过性伴侣经历。“决定一个人是否‘晚熟’的，与其说是实际年龄，不如说是他们主观上觉得自己‘入行晚了’的感觉，”莱米勒说。

“我不喜欢用‘大器晚成’来形容性经验，”纽约性治疗师莉莉·赫茨勒说。“它暗示着存在一个‘合适’的性爱时机，却忽略了影响我们性表达的诸多因素。”

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为什么性生活的新奇感不必让长期伴侣感到不知所措

与其问自己到现在应该有多少次性生活，不如问问自己，你做出的选择是否让你感觉合适，妮德尔建议道。“性方面的里程碑不是按计划达成的成就，”她说。“重要的不是你的时间表是否与他人一致，而是你的性经历是否双方自愿、有意义，并且符合你自身的价值观和准备程度。”

“‘大器晚成’这个词暗示着越早越好，这种做法过分强调早期性经历，而这可能并不健康，”纽约市的心理治疗师、性治疗师丽贝卡·索科尔说道。

事实上，过早开始性生活往往弊大于利，不如循序渐进。我的许多患者都告诉我，他们后悔自己的第一次性经历，希望当初能等到自己“情感上更成熟”一些，这样才能更好地珍惜那些美好的回忆。

有些人可能因为某些原因而推迟第一次性行为？

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人们可能出于各种各样的原因而等待。性可能并非他们的首要考虑，或者他们有坚定的宗教信仰，或者对这个话题感到恐惧和焦虑。

莱米勒补充道：“我们现在可能看到更多晚熟的年轻人，因为他们性方面的机会更少。”他们往往与父母同住的时间更长，因此隐私和独立性也更少。“推迟性行为并不一定意味着他们不想要；可能是他们的处境使他们更难追求性生活。”

华盛顿大学教授人类性学的妮可·麦克尼科尔斯解释说，这是更大范围的代际转变的一部分。尽管新冠疫情、社交媒体和其他因素都被认为是导致年轻人性行为减少的原因，但她指出，数据表明一个更为实际的原因：年轻人恋爱关系减少，饮酒的人也减少了。

“真正的问题是：这些事情一定是坏事吗？也许过去很多被认为是年轻人性行为的事情都与酒精有关，而且这些行为并不总是健康的、自愿的或完全出于双方自愿，”她说。“这种现象的减少或许更多地反映了年轻女性在划定界限，而不是任何人错过了什么宝贵的东西。”

许多男同性恋者的性生活时间表是否有所不同？

的确如此。“从某种意义上说，大多数男同性恋者都是大器晚成，”纽约州和新泽西州持证婚姻家庭治疗师阿莫斯·沃尔夫说道。“在被证明并非如此之前，我们默认是异性恋，所以性吸引力通常在我们拥有表达这种吸引力的语言或被允许采取行动之前很久就出现了。我会把‘绽放’定义为第一次性体验中，快乐超过了羞耻感。”

“许多酷儿群体被社会刻板印象地视为性欲过强的‘性瘾者’或性欲不加选择，”纽约市当代心理治疗研究所性治疗部门的性与关系治疗师兼督导斯科特·杜奎特补充道。“这些刻板印象可能会让他们承受不必要的压力，迫使他们去迎合社会期望，尽管他们内心并非如此渴望。”

Sabrina Lantos/HBO Max

治疗师说，你对《激烈竞争》的痴迷远不止于性。

但这些挑战并非仅限于男同性恋者。“我的男性客户在性经验较少的情况下会遇到更多困难，”纽约市的心理治疗师、性治疗师伊娃·狄龙说。“异性恋男性应该性技巧娴熟、拥有众多性伴侣的文化期望依然根深蒂固。”

缺乏经验就意味着性生活不和谐吗？其他人都因此拥有竞争优势吗？

麦克尼科尔斯说，就性经验不足而言，更大的障碍通常是自我怀疑，而不是经验本身的缺乏。“担心自己表现得不够好会让你无法投入当下，让你脱离身体，陷入沉思。但这种反应更多的是焦虑，而不是缺乏某种超能力。”

事实上，尼德尔表示，晚年才开始性生活的人往往拥有真正的优势，包括更成熟的情感、更清晰的自身价值观以及对伴侣真正需求的更深刻理解。这些特质比任何先入为主的观念都更能塑造令人满意的性关系。唯一的劣势在于认为自己处于劣势。

迪伦表示，晚于平均年龄发生性行为并非坏事。“享受成为性存在的过程——以及对即将开始性生活的期待——最终可能会让人在性生活开始时更深刻地体会到性带来的乐趣。”

而且，积累经验和学习新的性技巧永远都不晚。“我曾与一些七十多岁的客户合作，他们希望探索与自身性欲建立联系的新方式，”赫茨勒说。

如果你觉得自己属于大器晚成，应该告诉潜在伴侣吗？

不一定。麦克尼科尔斯说，你没有义务向别人完整地交代你的性经历。“诚实和感觉自己必须透露你的‘性伴侣数量’或‘性伴侣记录’之间是有区别的。”

如果话题自然而然地聊到这一点，或者你想让伴侣知道，简洁明了的回答就很好：“我在这方面经验不多，先跟你说一声。” 不需要完全坦白。但千万别伪装成另一个人。

真正合适的伴侣更有可能尊重你的诚实，而不是因为你的经历而评判你。

“如果有人仅仅因为你性经验不多就失去兴趣，那么他们可能不是那种能够建立安全、沟通顺畅、互相支持的关系，从而获得美好性体验的伴侣，”尼德尔说。“一旦关系变得亲密，你们彼此的相处方式远比你的性经验重要得多。”

很多性经验丰富的人性生活质量却很差。他们究竟做错了什么，而那些性生活发育较晚的人却能做得更好？

葡萄牙里斯本的心理学家莱昂诺尔·德·奥利维拉表示，在床上经验丰富并不等同于成为一个好的爱人。

“性经历丰富并不一定意味着能够注意到并适应伴侣在每次性爱中独特的性反应和愉悦方式，”她说。“性启蒙较晚的人可能对特定的性暗示格外关注，也更乐于接受伴侣的反馈。”

纽约性治疗师朱莉安·马克斯瓦尔德对此表示赞同。“有些人可能有很多性伴侣，但仍然依赖同样的性爱模式，而经验较少的人则可能充满好奇心、更加专注，并且乐于学习，”她解释道。

做一个好的爱人，既需要性方面的自我认知，也需要性方面的经验——了解自己的兴趣、欲望、界限以及什么能让自己感到快乐，同时也要对伴侣的性方面保持好奇心。

对于性发育较晚的人，你有什么建议？有没有什么方法可以积累经验，从而更顺利地过渡到性生活？

有很多方法可以增强性自信，但频繁的随意性行为并不在其中，尤其是在你强迫自己进入不自在的情境时。相反，你应该专注于了解什么能让你感到愉悦。杜奎特说，你不需要伴侣也能学会这一点。

“有些人性生活频繁，却很难分辨什么才是真正令人愉悦的，”他解释道。“让性爱享受成为你生活中真正重要的事。如果有欲望，就去泡个泡泡浴；听听情色音乐；留意身体何时被唤起，并加以探索；让自己沉浸在性感的想象中。做自己最好的朋友，享受性爱的乐趣。”

当你开始有性生活时，妮德尔建议要允许自己是个新手。“选择那些让你感到自在的伴侣，这样你就可以问问题，在尴尬时开怀大笑，坦诚沟通，共同探索，”她说。“性是一种体验，所以有些事情只能通过实践来学习。但你不需要几十个伴侣才能学会这些。你需要的是让你感到足够安全，能够全身心投入、充满好奇心和坦诚相待的体验。”

索科尔补充道：“真正重要的是你是否懂得‘不知道该怎么做’的重要性。如果你带着‘我已经知道对方喜欢什么’的想法去见一位新伴侣，你很可能会出错，并且性生活也会很糟糕。性爱的质量取决于参与其中的每个人。允许自己不知道，去询问，去倾听，去觉察自己内心哪些方面令人兴奋、唤起欲望，或者只是感觉良好。”

如果你的伴侣属于大器晚成型者，该怎么办？

尼德尔说，如果你正在和性发育较晚的人约会，尽量不要把自己当成他们的老师。“每段感情都包含着彼此了解的过程，无论双方经验多少。与其关注他们没做过的事情，不如专注于创造一个让他们感到安全的环境，让他们可以提出问题、表达偏好，并在感到尴尬或不自在时坦诚相告。你也应该感到自在，可以这样做。”

你应该感到特别。有人特意选择与你分享他们的第一次性体验。“与一个性成熟较晚的人发生性关系是一种难得的荣幸——一份包裹着自主权和脆弱的礼物，”德奥利维拉说道。

记住，随着时间的推移和伴侣的不同，我们的性偏好和性欲发生变化是很正常的。我们一直在不断进化。

“年轻人的性需求通常与30岁、60岁甚至80岁时的需求不同，”在纽约州和新泽西州均持有执照的性治疗师泽野奈奈穗解释说。“无论在任何时候有过多少性伴侣，人们一生中都会经历一个学习的过程。”

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