Grandparents bending your parenting rules? Know which battles are worth fighting

With many families relying on grandparents for childcare, differing views on food, discipline and routines are common. Family counsellors give tips on how parents can set limits without undermining grandparents who help with childcare.

Parents and grandparents may have different views on screen time, particularly when grandparents are helping with childcare. (Photo: iStock)

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Adulthood is not just one phase of life but comes in stages. Its many facets can be overwhelming, from managing finances and buying a home to achieving work-life balance and maintaining healthy relationships. In this series, CNA explores the challenges of being an adult, drawing on personal experiences and expert insights to help readers navigate them.

Soon after my daughter was born, one of her grandparents saw a photo of her napping peacefully in a phone text chat.

Instead of responding with a heart-eyes emoji, he fired off a message to my husband who had sent the picture.

"She should be wearing socks," he wrote, adding that he had done this for his children – rain or shine.

In our opinion, it was a hot day and she looked perfectly comfortable. I rolled my eyes in response .

To avoid further clashes, we scaled back on photo updates in the text chat.

That was the first time and, I would soon realise, not the last time I would disagree with my parents and in-laws on how to care for my daughter.

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With some issues, such as the sock incident, where I was certain I was right, I felt agitated by their advice.

With other issues, I deferred to them for advice, given that they had the collective wisdom of raising three children between them.

Even then, there had been friction when their advice did not work out so well for my daughter.

For instance, my mother, who supported me on weekdays in the first few months after birth, pushed for frequent 90ml to 120ml feeds.

My daughter "returned" some of the milk to us, often spewing across my chest soon after a feed.

It took a visit to the polyclinic to learn from the doctor that my baby's stomach is roughly the size of a chicken egg and there was no need to insist on her finishing all her feeds.

Grandparents often play a hands-on role in childcare, but feeding routines can become a point of disagreement when generations follow different advice. (Photo: iStock)

Many of my peers have had similar experiences.

One friend quit her job to become a stay-at-home mother after discovering that her in-laws repeatedly and secretly fed her infant fruit juice, despite guidance from healthcare providers that babies in their first six months old generally do not need drinks other than breast milk or formula.

Clashes over food, routines, discipline, as well as differing views on risk and independence, are a rite of passage for parents, family counsellors said.

This is especially relevant in Singapore, where many dual-income households are common and grandparents often play a role in childcare.

Last year, the proportion of dual-income married couples stood at 56.6 per cent, up from 52.5 per cent in 2020, based on the General Household Survey 2025 released by the Department of Statistics in June this year.

Things can get especially heated if parents think that their authority and preferences are not respected and grandparents feel that their experience is undermined.

So how can parents navigate these situations without upsetting their children's grandparents?

WHY PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS CLASH

Relationship experts said that many disagreements stem from differences in generational knowledge. What was considered sound advice decades ago may not align with current guidance, they added.

To top it off, most parenting convictions and philosophies are shaped by personal childhood experiences.

Ms June Yong, a family life specialist at the charity Focus on the Family Singapore, which offers programmes for families, said that parents sometimes disagree with certain practices from their own upbringing, which can lead to frequent conflicts with their own parents.

It is important for parents to reflect on whether their intense reactions are truly about the recent breach, or if they have been amplified by unresolved wounds, worries and anxieties, she added.

Screen time is one area where this friction is likely to play out, the experts said.

Most millennials such as myself grew up with the television running in the background.

Looking back, I sometimes wonder whether being exposed at a young age to a steady stream of news about conflicts, catastrophes, death and disease, as well as accidentally watching horror films before I was ready for them, contributed to some of the anxieties I grapple with today.

I wish I had more guidance when I was young to process what I was seeing, and to better understand difficult concepts such as death and dying.

That experience has made me more mindful of not just how much screen time my daughter gets, but also what she watches.

My concerns are also informed by current health guidance and research. HealthHub, Singapore's national digital health platform, states that screens should not be offered to children aged 18 months and under , while those six years and under should have limited and guided exposure.

Studies have also linked excessive screen time to poorer cognitive, linguistic and social-emotional development , as well as sleep problems, anxiety and depression.

Although many parents now favour zero screen time or guided screen use , some grandparents see devices as a practical childcare solution and may be less strict about boundaries, experts said.

Many grandparents also did not have to grapple with mobile devices, social media and the current content that is available on screens when they were new parents, which makes this a whole new world for them to navigate. My neighbour, for example, said that his mother shows his two-year-old daughter YouTube videos while she is preparing dinner.

Although he would prefer his daughter to have less screen time, he recognises that, with no one else to support his mother, it would be unreasonable to expect her to juggle childcare, cooking and household chores differently.

IDENTIFY THE NON-NEGOTIABLES

The first step towards a healthy parent-grandparent relationship is for parents to identify their non-negotiables around health, safety and core values, Ms Yong from Focus on the Family said.

These might include food and content to avoid, the use of car seats, and matters related to discipline such as physical punishment.

Other matters, such as an occasional late bedtime or exceeding a screen-time limit on one day, may be areas where parents can afford to be more flexible.

Guidelines should be conveyed to the grandparents simply and directly.

Mr James Leong, a counsellor who runs Listen without Prejudice and hosts a podcast for caregivers, is an advocate for defining clear roles, values and boundaries in such shared caregiving situations.

"Often enough, fault lines appear because some of us don't draw boundaries and don't dare say 'no' to our seniors," Mr Leong said.

This conversation, however, should not begin with an indictment but rather, an explanation of the rationale behind the rule. Ms Yong gave the example of screen use where parents can explain to grandparents that they want their children to have a maximum of one hour of screen time on weekdays because they want to protect their well-being, and to ensure that they have a variety of different leisure activities to unwind and relax.

If needed, parents and grandparents can also work together to develop a compromise that works for all parties.

For example, parents may install safeguards to ensure that the content their children are shown is age-appropriate and approved by them.

For boundaries involving health or safety, however, parents should be clear about what cannot be compromised.

If the same boundary is repeatedly crossed, they may need to revisit the caregiving arrangement rather than simply repeating the rule. When the impact on the child is relatively minor or temporary, parents may want to be flexible and adopt a long-term view.

"When certain boundaries are crossed, we can choose to give our parents grace and reinforce to them what we hope to see," Ms Yong said.

Often enough, fault lines appear because some of us don't draw boundaries and don't dare say 'no' to our seniors.

Mrs Grace Lio, a senior learning and behavioural therapist at Mindful Bear, a counselling centre for children and teenagers, said that she adjusts her expectations when her child is under the care of their grandparents.

She does not expect her 12-year-old daughter to be able to complete rigorous revision of her schoolwork while under their care.

"I am not there, I can't interrogate the grandparents as to why certain expectations were not met," she said.

Mrs Lio, who has two other children aged 23 and 22, added that as children mature, parents may also set and convey ground rules to their children directly.

For instance, instead of expecting her parents to constantly police her youngest daughter while at their place, she personally briefs her on phone usage limits and trusts that she obeys.

If she does not comply, Mrs Lio does not blame her parents but discusses the incident with her daughter instead.

KNOWING WHEN TO LET GO

Experts said parents need to recognise that most grandparents believe they are giving their grandchildren the best possible care.

My father, a retired counsellor, acknowledged that grandparents may initially think they know better because of their experience raising children.

But he also recognised that parents today have access to more information and resources than previous generations did.

He said that parents should explain their parenting goals and their child's routines from the outset, while remaining open to grandparents' suggestions.

"Compromises can be made over certain aspects of caregiving, but ultimately, parents have to stand their ground and grandparents have to support them as they grow in their parenting journey," he added.

Family counsellors say that parents can hold firm on important boundaries, while giving grandparents space to build their own relationship with the child. (Photo: iStock)

Grandparents are also doing unpaid work and there is no obligation for them to partake in caregiving duties.

Relating her own experience, Ms Yong from Focus on the Family said that she was surprised by the intensity of her own unhappiness following clashes over her children's diet and screen time.

"What helped me was m y husband encouraging me to take a step back and see that a strong relationship between our children and their grandparents is largely a good thing," she added.

"Being able to see the big picture helped me to soothe myself on days when certain boundaries were crossed. Keeping an open mind can also remind us that there is often more than one way to raise a healthy and thriving child."

One tip she would offer parents is for husband and wife to handle conversations with their own parents rather than with their in-laws, since each partner tends to know how to better handle his or her own parents.

Recognising that my parents are doing their best to balance my expectations while giving my daughter the best possible care helped me see how I had been unfairly short on patience towards them over issues such as delayed bedtimes during my daughter's sleepovers at their place.

After all, my mother is far more fastidious than I am.

She takes time to prepare meals carefully, helps my daughter with her toileting routine and makes sure her teeth are thoroughly brushed before bed. I am more willing to simplify meal preparation or let my daughter manage some of these routines herself to save time. My mother is also further along in age and cannot be expected to speed through all her caregiving duties.

And really, who am I to impose a strict sleep routine when I myself struggle to get my daughter to bed on time even with all the shortcuts I take?

Last year, about four years into my parenting journey, I began holding back on firing off impulsive text messages to my parents whenever routines were broken.

I've learnt to be more respectful and gentler with them.

I also cut them some slack when they stream a few videos for my daughter so that they can put their feet up – a small compromise given the time and energy they devote to caring for her.

Seeing them as individuals with their own ideas about what a child needs, while recognising their pure intentions and genuine concern for my daughter's well-being, has helped me make room for them to build their own unique relationships with her.

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许多家庭依靠祖父母帮忙照看孩子，因此在饮食、管教和日常作息等方面存在分歧的情况很常见。家庭咨询师会提供一些建议，帮助父母如何在不损害祖父母照看孩子作用的前提下设定界限。

父母和祖父母对孩子使用电子产品的时间可能有不同的看法，尤其是在祖父母帮忙照看孩子的情况下。（图片：iStock）

这段音频由人工智能工具生成。

成年并非人生的单一阶段，而是一系列阶段。它涉及方方面面，从理财、购房到平衡工作与生活、维系良好的人际关系，都可能令人感到不知所措。在本系列文章中，CNA 将结合个人经历和专家见解，探讨成年生活中的种种挑战，帮助读者应对这些挑战。

女儿出生后不久，她的一位祖父母在手机聊天中看到了一张她安详地睡着的照片。

他没有回复爱心眼表情符号，而是给发照片的我丈夫发了条信息。

“她应该穿袜子，”他写道，并补充说，无论晴天雨天，他都为自己的孩子们这样做。

在我们看来，那天天气很热，但她看起来很舒服。我听后翻了个白眼。

为了避免进一步的冲突，我们减少了在文字聊天中更新照片的频率。

那是我第一次，而且我很快意识到，这绝不是最后一次，我会在如何照顾女儿的问题上与我的父母和公婆产生分歧。

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有些问题，比如袜子事件，我确信自己是对的，他们的建议让我感到恼火。

对于其他问题，我向他们征求意见，因为他们三人共同养育了三个孩子，积累了丰富的经验。

即便如此，当他们的建议对我的女儿没有起到很好的作用时，我们之间也产生了摩擦。

例如，我母亲在我出生后的头几个月里，在工作日照顾我，她坚持让我频繁地喂奶，每次喂 90 毫升到 120 毫升。

女儿会把一些奶“吐”回来给我们，经常在喂奶后不久就吐到我胸口。

去了一趟综合诊所，医生才告诉我，我宝宝的胃只有鸡蛋那么大，没有必要强迫她吃完所有的奶。

祖父母通常在育儿方面扮演着重要角色，但当不同世代遵循不同的育儿建议时，喂养习惯就可能成为争论的焦点。（图片：iStock）

我的很多同龄人都有类似的经历。

一位朋友在发现公婆多次偷偷给她的婴儿喂果汁后，辞去了工作，成为了一名全职妈妈。而医疗保健人员则建议，婴儿在出生后的前六个月通常不需要母乳或配方奶以外的饮料。

家庭咨询师表示，父母在饮食、作息、纪律以及对风险和独立性的看法上产生的冲突，是为人父母的必经之路。

这一点在新加坡尤为重要，因为新加坡双职工家庭很常见，祖父母经常在育儿方面发挥作用。

根据统计局今年6月发布的《2025年家庭普查报告》，去年双职工已婚夫妇的比例为56.6%，高于2020年的52.5%。

如果父母认为他们的权威和喜好没有得到尊重，祖父母认为他们的经验没有得到重视，那么事情可能会变得特别激烈。

那么，父母该如何处理这种情况，才能不惹恼孩子的祖父母呢？

父母与祖父母为何会发生冲突

关系专家表示，许多分歧源于代际认知差异。他们补充说，几十年前被认为是明智之举的建议，如今可能不再适用。

更重要的是，大多数育儿观念和理念都受到个人童年经历的影响。

新加坡“关注家庭”慈善机构的家庭生活专家琼·杨女士表示，父母有时会不认同自己成长过程中的一些做法，这可能导致与父母之间频繁发生冲突。该机构为家庭提供各种项目。

她补充说，父母应该反思，他们强烈的反应是否真的与最近发生的冲突有关，还是因为未解决的伤痛、担忧和焦虑而加剧了这种反应。

专家表示，屏幕时间是这种摩擦可能出现的一个领域。

像我这样的大多数千禧一代都是在电视机开着的环境下长大的。

回想过去，我有时会想，是不是因为我从小就不断接触到有关冲突、灾难、死亡和疾病的新闻，以及在我还没准备好的时候不小心看了恐怖电影，才导致了我今天所面临的一些焦虑。

我希望在我年轻的时候能得到更多的指导，以便更好地理解我所看到的一切，并更好地理解死亡和临终等困难的概念。

那次经历让我更加关注女儿的屏幕时间，以及她观看的内容。

我的担忧也源于当前的健康指南和研究。新加坡国家数字健康平台HealthHub指出，不应向18个月及以下的儿童提供筛查服务，而6岁及以下的儿童应在指导下有限度地接触筛查设备。

研究还表明，屏幕时间过长会导致认知、语言和社交情感发展较差，以及睡眠问题、焦虑和抑郁。

专家表示，虽然现在很多家长倾向于零屏幕时间或指导孩子使用屏幕，但一些祖父母认为电子设备是一种实用的育儿解决方案，并且可能对屏幕使用限制不太严格。

许多祖父母在初为人父母时，无需应对移动设备、社交媒体以及如今屏幕上琳琅满目的内容，这使得他们现在要适应的是一个全新的世界。例如，我的邻居说，他妈妈会在准备晚餐时给两岁的女儿看YouTube视频。

虽然他希望女儿减少看屏幕的时间，但他意识到，在没有其他人帮助母亲的情况下，要求她以不同的方式兼顾照顾孩子、做饭和家务是不合理的。

明确不可协商的事项

“建立健康的父母与祖父母关系的第一步，是父母要明确他们在健康、安全和核心价值观方面的不可妥协之处，”来自“关注家庭”组织的杨女士说。

这些可能包括应该避免的食物和内容、汽车安全座椅的使用，以及与纪律相关的事项，例如体罚。

其他一些事情，例如偶尔晚睡或某天超过屏幕时间限制，父母或许可以在这些方面更加灵活一些。

应该用简单直接的方式向祖父母传达指导原则。

詹姆斯·梁先生是一位咨询师，他运营着“倾听无偏见”组织，并主持一个面向照护者的播客节目。他倡导在共同照护的情况下明确角色、价值观和界限。

梁先生说：“很多时候，分歧的出现是因为我们中的一些人不划清界限，也不敢对上级说‘不’。”

然而，这场讨论不应以指责开始，而应首先解释这项规定的理由。杨女士举例说，家长可以向祖父母解释，他们希望孩子在工作日每天最多使用一小时电子产品，因为这是为了保护孩子的身心健康，并确保他们有多种不同的休闲活动来放松身心。

如果需要，父母和祖父母也可以共同努力，达成各方都能接受的妥协方案。

例如，家长可能会设置一些安全措施，以确保孩子看到的内容适合他们的年龄，并且经过他们的批准。

但是，对于涉及健康或安全的界限，家长应该明确哪些方面是不能妥协的。

如果同一界限被反复逾越，他们可能需要重新审视照护安排，而不是简单地重复规则。当对孩子的影响相对较小或只是暂时的，父母或许应该灵活一些，采取长远的眼光。

“当某些界限被逾越时，我们可以选择宽容对待父母，并向他们重申我们希望看到的事情，”杨女士说。

很多时候，矛盾的出现是因为我们中的一些人不划清界限，也不敢对长辈说“不”。

为儿童和青少年提供咨询服务的 Mindful Bear 的高级学习和行为治疗师 Grace Lio 女士表示，当她的孩子由祖父母照顾时，她会调整自己的期望。

她不指望她12岁的女儿在他们照顾下能够完成严格的学校作业复习。

“我不在现场，我无法质问祖父母为什么某些期望没有得到满足，”她说。

廖女士还有两个孩子，分别23岁和22岁。她补充说，随着孩子长大，父母也可以直接向孩子制定和传达基本规则。

例如，她没有期望父母在她小女儿待在他们家时不断监督她，而是亲自向她说明了手机使用限制，并相信她会遵守。

如果她不听话，利奥太太不会责怪她的父母，而是会和女儿讨论这件事。

懂得何时放手

专家表示，父母需要认识到，大多数祖父母都认为他们正在给予孙辈最好的照顾。

我的父亲是一位退休咨询师，他承认祖父母最初可能会认为自己更懂孩子，因为他们有养育孩子的经验。

但他同时也意识到，如今的父母比前几代人拥有更多的信息和资源。

他表示，父母应该从一开始就向孩子解释他们的育儿目标和孩子的日常作息，同时也要对祖父母的建议持开放态度。

“在某些照护方面可以做出妥协，但最终，父母必须坚持自己的立场，祖父母也必须在他们育儿的道路上给予支持，”他补充道。

家庭咨询师表示，父母可以坚持一些重要的界限，同时也要给祖父母留出空间，让他们与孩子建立自己的关系。（图片：iStock）

祖父母也在从事无偿劳动，他们没有义务承担照护责任。

来自“关注家庭”组织的杨女士在讲述自己的经历时表示，在与孩子就饮食和屏幕时间发生冲突后，她惊讶地发现自己的不快乐程度之高。

她补充说：“我的丈夫鼓励我冷静下来，意识到孩子和祖父母之间建立牢固的关系在很大程度上是一件好事，这对我很有帮助。”

“能够从全局角度看待问题，有助于我在某些界限被逾越时安抚自己。保持开放的心态也能提醒我们，养育一个健康茁壮成长的孩子往往不止一种方法。”

她给父母的一个建议是，夫妻双方应该与自己的父母沟通，而不是与岳父母沟通，因为双方都更了解如何与自己的父母相处。

意识到我的父母正在尽力平衡我的期望，同时给予我的女儿最好的照顾，这让我明白，我之前对他们缺乏耐心，比如女儿在他们家过夜时，他们延迟了睡觉时间。

毕竟，我母亲比我讲究得多。

她会花时间精心准备饭菜，帮助女儿进行如厕训练，并确保女儿睡前彻底刷牙。为了节省时间，我更愿意简化备餐流程，或者让女儿自己完成一些日常事务。我母亲年纪也大了，不能指望她能迅速完成所有的照护工作。

说真的，我自己都很难让女儿按时睡觉，即使我使尽各种捷径，我又有什么资格去制定严格的睡眠时间表呢？

去年，在我为人父母大约四年后，我开始克制自己，不再像以前那样，一旦日常作息被打乱就冲动地给父母发短信。

我学会了对他们更加尊重和温柔。

当他们为我女儿播放一些视频，让他们可以休息一下时，我也会稍微宽容一些——考虑到他们为照顾女儿所投入的时间和精力，这只是一个小小的妥协。

把他们看作是独立的个体，他们对孩子需要什么有自己的想法，同时认可他们纯粹的意图和对我女儿福祉的真诚关心，这帮助我为他们与女儿建立他们自己独特的关系留出了空间。

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