Analysis: What parents need to teach college students to prevent campus sexual assault

Two women said this month they were sexually assaulted at fraternity homes near the University of Chicago, just the latest revelations following similar allegations of assaults at the University of Arizona and Cornell University , and countless more before those.

On average, nearly 26% of women and almost 7% of men are victims of nonconsensual sexual contact during their college years, according to an Association of American Universities report revised in 2020. That’s shocking and unacceptable.

Colleges and universities can do a lot more to reduce those crimes, but parents can also help prevent campus sexual assault by having serious, direct and prescriptive dialogue with their teenagers.

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Ideally these conversations don’t happen for the first time when they leave for college, said Lindsay Lieberman, a Washington, DC-based attorney who handles cases of sexual assault. From toddlerhood, we should teach kids to respect one another’s boundaries and that they’re in charge of their bodies.

But when it comes specifically to campus sexual assault, a lot of parents simply don’t know what to say. Here’s a script.

Kids of all genders should get to know people before having intimate encounters with them and only pursue romantic relationships with people whom they care for and respect.

“One-time hookups are messy and complicated,” Lieberman said. “There’s lots of room for miscommunication.” If you know a person and how they communicate, you have less of a chance of a misunderstanding.

What’s more, our society teaches girls and women to be nice and worry about how they make other people feel. We need to instead teach young women that, in romantic situations, their own preferences and desires come first. That means they can and should say “no” if they don’t want to be intimate with someone or if they change their minds at any time during an intimate encounter. And they shouldn’t ever feel badly about it.

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All students should seek positive consent before being intimate with anyone and avoid romantic encounters if either person is under the influence of drugs or alcohol. The majority of nonconsensual sexual encounters on college campuses involve the use of alcohol.

“If somebody says ‘yes,’ and they’re falling all over themselves, that doesn’t mean they’re consenting,” Lieberman said.

If at any time someone says “no,” or communicates in other ways that they aren’t interested, pushback isn’t acceptable. The other party should respect their wishes.

If someone seems to be avoiding another person or pushing them away, this “should all be interpreted as, ‘She’s not interested,’ not, ‘This is a game, I should try harder,’” Lieberman said.

“Pressuring somebody to say ‘yes’ is not consent, so if she’s turned away from you and she’s saying ‘no’ and she’s saying she’s uncomfortable, but you keep going at it and eventually she complies, that’s not consent,” she said. “You’ve coerced her into doing something that you wanted her to do.”

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What you’re not hearing in sex ed about college hookups

We must also teach college students to watch out for others when they go to parties.

Young women should know that members of fraternities commit more acts of sexual violence than non-frat populations. This may be related to pressure to conform to and uphold masculine norms and objectifying women. Some options for college students to consider are partying elsewhere or selecting coed fraternities, which likely have lower risks of sexual violence.

No matter where they party, students should agree on safety plans before leaving their dorms or homes. They should buddy up with a friend and agree to watch out for one another. It can be smart for friends to talk about their intentions before going out, Lieberman said. They might tell one another they are coming home and sleeping in their own beds after the party, then hold one another accountable.

They also should keep their eyes out for situations in which other partygoers are in trouble.

If someone who is clearly too drunk to consent is leaving a party with someone they don’t know, it’s important for bystanders to intervene. Other students can offer to escort the person home.

It’s also a good idea to check in with friends if they seem very drunk or disoriented or are acting differently than usual, Lieberman said. If someone is dancing close to or speaking to someone and a friend gets the sense the other person doesn’t want it, or is under the influence of a substance, they should check in on them, she said.

“You can go over to your friend and just tap them and ask them if they’re OK,” she said.

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If someone tells a student they’ve been assaulted, the student should never doubt them. False allegations of sexual assault are incredibly rare . Friends inflict further harm on victims by challenging them.

Instead, they should focus on “empowering the person who’s experienced it to make an informed decision on how she wants to proceed,” Lieberman said. They should lay out the victim’s options, which include reporting to the police or school or talking to a lawyer or parent.

When students go off to college, they need to know more than the material their professors assign. Having these conversations with young people of all genders can help keep them safe and protect the people around them.

Kara Alaimo is a professor of communication at Fairleigh Dickinson University and advises parents, students and teachers on how to manage screen time. She is author of “Over the Influence: Why Social Media Is Toxic for Women and Girls — And How We Can Take It Back” and the forthcoming “The Screen Time Safety Toolkit: A Practical Guide for Protecting Young People Online.”

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本月有两名女性称她们在芝加哥大学附近的兄弟会宿舍遭到性侵犯，这只是继亚利桑那大学和康奈尔大学发生类似性侵犯指控之后，以及在此之前无数起类似指控的最新爆料。

根据美国大学协会2020年修订的一份报告，平均而言，近26%的女性和近7%的男性在大学期间遭受过非自愿性接触。这令人震惊，不可接受。

高校可以采取更多措施来减少这些犯罪，但家长也可以通过与青少年进行严肃、直接和有针对性的对话来帮助预防校园性侵犯。

德扬·马贾诺维奇/E+/盖蒂图片社

阻止男性强奸女性的行为，应该从他们成年之前就开始。

华盛顿特区一位专门处理性侵案件的律师林赛·利伯曼表示，理想情况下，这些对话不应该等到孩子们上大学时才第一次发生。我们应该从幼儿时期就开始教导孩子们尊重彼此的界限，并让他们明白自己对自己的身体拥有自主权。

但当涉及到校园性侵时，很多家长却不知该如何应对。以下是一份应对方案。

无论男女，孩子在与人发生亲密关系之前都应该先了解对方，并且只与自己关心和尊重的人发展恋爱关系。

“一夜情很混乱也很复杂，”利伯曼说。“很容易产生误会。”如果你了解对方以及他们的沟通方式，误会的可能性就会小很多。

此外，我们的社会教导女孩和女性要温柔体贴，要顾及他人的感受。但我们更应该教导年轻女性，在恋爱关系中，她们自身的喜好和欲望才是最重要的。这意味着，如果她们不想与某人发生亲密关系，或者在亲密接触过程中改变主意，她们可以也应该说“不”。而且，她们不应该为此感到内疚。

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所有学生在与任何人发生亲密关系前都应征得对方的同意，如果双方受到毒品或酒精的影响，则应避免发生性关系。大学校园中大多数非自愿性行为都与酒精有关。

“如果有人说‘是’，并且表现得非常热情，那并不意味着他们同意了，”利伯曼说。

如果有人说了“不”，或者以其他方式表达了不感兴趣，对方不应该反驳。他们应该尊重对方的意愿。

利伯曼说，如果有人似乎在躲避另一个人或把他们推开，这“都应该被解读为‘她不感兴趣’，而不是‘这是一场游戏，我应该更加努力’”。

“强迫别人说‘是’并不等于同意。如果她背对着你，说‘不’，说她感到不舒服，但你仍然坚持，最终她屈服了，那也不是同意，”她说。“你强迫她做了你想让她做的事。”

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你在性教育中听不到的关于大学一夜情的内容

我们还必须教导大学生在参加聚会时要多加注意他人。

年轻女性应该了解，兄弟会成员比非兄弟会成员更容易发生性暴力行为。这可能与她们承受着遵守和维护男性规范以及物化女性的压力有关。大学生可以考虑的一些选择包括：去其他地方参加聚会，或者加入男女混合的兄弟会，后者发生性暴力的风险可能较低。

无论在哪里聚会，学生们都应该在离开宿舍或家之前商定好安全计划。他们应该结伴而行，互相照应。利伯曼说，朋友们在出门前沟通一下彼此的计划是明智之举。他们可以互相告知聚会结束后会回家睡在自己的床上，然后互相监督。

他们还应该留意其他参加聚会的人是否遇到麻烦。

如果有人明显醉酒到无法做出同意的决定，却要和一个陌生人离开聚会，旁观者一定要出面干预。其他学生可以主动提出护送他回家。

利伯曼说，如果朋友看起来醉得很厉害、神志不清或者行为举止与平时不同，最好也去看看他们。她还说，如果有人和别人靠得很近跳舞或说话，而朋友感觉对方并不情愿，或者可能受到了某种药物或酒精的影响，就应该上前询问。

“你可以走到朋友身边，轻轻拍拍他/她，问问他/她是否还好，”她说。

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拥有现实生活中的朋友与社交媒体滥用之间的联系

如果有人告诉学生自己遭到性侵，学生绝对不应该怀疑对方。虚假的性侵指控极其罕见。朋友的质疑只会给受害者造成进一步的伤害。

相反，他们应该着重于“帮助受害者在充分了解情况后，做出自己想要采取的行动的决定”，利伯曼说。他们应该向受害者列出各种选择，包括向警方或学校报告，或者与律师或家长交谈。

学生进入大学后，需要掌握的知识远不止教授布置的课程内容。与不同性别的年轻人进行此类对话，有助于保障他们的安全，并保护他们身边的人。

卡拉·阿拉伊莫是费尔利·狄金森大学的传播学教授，她为家长、学生和教师提供关于如何管理屏幕时间的建议。她是《过度影响：为什么社交媒体对女性和女孩有害——以及我们如何才能夺回控制权》一书的作者，她的新书《屏幕时间安全工具包：保护青少年上网的实用指南》即将出版。

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