Stopping men from raping women starts long before they’re adults

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EDITOR’S NOTE: Dr. Katie Hurley is a teen and young adult psychotherapist in Los Angeles, speaker, and author of several parenting books, including “ Breaking the Boy Code: The New Playbook for Raising Resilient Boys .”

As a therapist who works with teens and young adults, I’ve spent countless hours talking about safety in dating relationships. As a mom of two young adults, I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve started conversations about consent, boundaries and mutual respect. But as details of the Cornell 7 continue to emerge, I wonder if any of it is enough.

Traditional lectures about sex and consent likely fall short when short-form video and AI companions offer quick (and not always accurate) answers without the awkward conversation. And, let’s face it, older generations aren’t necessarily keeping up with the preferred learning styles of Gen Z and Gen Alpha.

It’s no big secret that young people are influenced by online content, including some substituting pornography for sex education. A Common Sense Media report showed that 73% of respondents ages 13 to 17 have watched pornography online, with more than half (54%) seeing it before age 13. Additionally, 45% of teen respondents said they felt that online pornography gives them helpful information about sex.

AI companions are increasingly another source of information for teens. A separate Common Sense Media report revealed that 33% of them turn to AI companions for social interaction and relationships, including conversation practice, emotional support, role playing, friendship or romantic relationships.

While teens and young adults might find some helpful information online (assuming they opt for educational sources instead of pornography and bots), parents still need to find ways to fill the information gaps. I turned to two experts to offer some advice on how to raise boys who understand consent and healthy sexual and romantic relationships. Both highlighted an important theme in modern parenting: “the talk” is never a one-and-done. Bite sized and frequent conversations are our best bet.

Whether your kids have constant access to technology or none at all, they are exposed to content and information about sex and relationships as early as 3rd grade.

“I think we are in denial about how early our kids are exposed to material relating to intimate relationships, sexuality and the power dynamics within both,” said John Duffy, a psychologist and author of “ Rescuing Our Sons .” “I find that boys as young as 7, 8 or 9 are prepared to have these conversations at a more mature level than we might believe.”

Parents can scaffold these conversations by talking about love and caring for others early, and building toward dating, affection and healthy sexual relationships as they grow. If we talk about relationship development early and continue the conversations as boys grow, “the talk” is replaced by open and honest conversation.

It can also help to use media, books and even TikToks and Instagram Reels to jumpstart these conversations.

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Inside rape culture’s strong grip

“Adults should lean on the tools they have like books and tips but also accept that they have to have awkward conversations,” warned Christopher Pepper, health educator and co-author of “ Talk to Your Boys .” Embracing the awkward shows boys that it’s okay to speak honestly about topics that might feel embarrassing.

There’s no room for ambiguity when teaching boys not to rape or assault girls. Pepper suggests 5-minute conversations with specific agendas and a focus on values and expectations. Consider these talking points:

Consent means getting a “yes” every step of the way, from holding hands to touching and other sexual activity. Never assume one “yes” covers every scenario.

Substance use disqualifies consent. If a girl is inebriated, think about ways to help her get home safely. Call for a ride, make sure she isn’t left alone, and ask for help if you need it.

Enthusiasm needs to be present on both sides. Both parties should feel respected and enjoy the experience.

If you have to convince her, you don’t have consent. Coercion in relationships can be subtle, but it is harmful.

Duffy echoed the need to talk about clear lines of consent. “In sexual circumstances, as things progress, many boys begin to presume consent when it may not be present, or may not be present any longer,” he shared. Consent to one thing does not mean consent to everything.

Widely used in classrooms, the “ Tea and Consent ” video – using a metaphor of offering someone a cup of tea to illustrate the logic of consent – may be helpful if your child hasn’t seen it. Sex Ed for Guys , a Tik Tok project created by Colby College students, addresses everything from consent and dating to healthy masculinity.

The fact that 50 young men in the Chi Phi Snapchat group failed to intervene sparked public outrage (rightfully so), but assuming that someone else will help is common in bystander situations. Power dynamics, hierarchy and fear can all prevent people from speaking up, especially within male groups.

Boys need to practice intervening in high risk situations. “It frequently takes only one person in male social groups to call something off and move the group dynamic to get the train to switch to another track,” Pepper said.

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Not familiar with ‘red pill’ content? Teen boys are, whether they want to be or not

Right to Be developed the 5 D’s of bystander intervention to help people learn how to help other people. Distract, Delegate, Document, Delay and Direct are different methods of intervention. While dropping a metal water bottle to make a loud sound might work as a distraction in one scenario, another might require delegating by finding a person who is better positioned to stop the scenario. Role playing difficult situations at home prepares boys to intervene in the moment.

Both Duffy and Pepper noted that boys have their own thoughts about what they want to do and when, but they also need to hear that they can set their own boundaries around consent.

Some teens feel powerless when it comes to initiating sexual relationships. “For a number of those young men who do engage, many express that they feel girls and women hold sex over them to maintain power in the relationship,” explained Duffy. “This results in an angry and adversarial approach to most any intimate relationship

Help your son create his own set of values, expectations and clear boundaries around sexual intimacy in dating relationships. The more boys learn to talk openly about sex and consent, the better prepared they are to engage in honest and clear dialogue with their partners.

While there’s no easy button on teaching healthy sexual development, parents do need to be clear, consistent and firm in teaching boys to respect their intimate partners and to hold their friends to task if they witness a harmful scenario.

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编者按：凯蒂·赫尔利博士是洛杉矶的一位青少年和青年心理治疗师、演讲家，也是多本育儿书籍的作者，其中包括《打破男孩密码：培养坚韧男孩的新方法》。

作为一名青少年和年轻成人心理咨询师，我花了无数时间与他们探讨恋爱关系中的安全问题。作为两个年轻人的母亲，我已经记不清自己多少次和他们谈论过同意、界限和相互尊重。但随着“康奈尔七人案”的细节不断浮出水面，我不禁怀疑，这些努力真的足够吗？

传统的性与同意讲座在短视频和人工智能助手能够提供快速（但不一定准确）的答案，且无需尴尬对话的情况下，往往显得力不从心。而且，我们必须承认，老一辈人未必能跟上Z世代和阿尔法世代偏好的学习方式。

年轻人受网络内容影响已不是什么秘密，有些人甚至用色情内容代替性教育。Common Sense Media 的一份报告显示，73% 的 13 至 17 岁受访者曾观看过网络色情内容，其中超过一半 (54%) 的人在 13 岁之前就接触过。此外，45% 的青少年受访者表示，他们认为网络色情内容能为他们提供有用的性知识。

人工智能伴侣正日益成为青少年获取信息的重要来源。Common Sense Media 的一份独立报告显示，33% 的青少年会借助人工智能伴侣进行社交互动和建立关系，包括练习对话、获得情感支持、角色扮演、发展友谊或恋爱关系。

虽然青少年和年轻人在网上或许能找到一些有用的信息（假设他们选择的是教育资源而非色情内容和机器人），但家长仍然需要找到方法来弥补信息上的不足。我咨询了两位专家，请他们就如何培养男孩理解性同意以及健康的性与恋爱关系提出一些建议。两位专家都强调了现代育儿中的一个重要主题：“谈话”绝非一劳永逸。简短而频繁的对话才是最佳选择。

无论你的孩子是否经常接触科技产品，或者完全没有接触过科技产品，他们最早从三年级就开始接触到有关性和人际关系的内容和信息。

“我认为我们否认了孩子们很早就接触到与亲密关系、性以及其中的权力动态相关的内容，”心理学家、《拯救我们的儿子》一书的作者约翰·达菲说。“我发现，7、8 或 9 岁的男孩在这些问题上的成熟程度可能超出了我们的想象。”

父母可以通过从小谈论爱和关心他人来引导这些对话，并随着孩子成长逐步引导他们谈恋爱、建立亲密关系和发展健康的性关系。如果我们从小就谈论人际关系的发展，并在男孩成长过程中持续进行这些对话，那么“谈话”就会被开放和坦诚的交流所取代。

利用媒体、书籍，甚至是 TikTok 和 Instagram Reels 等工具来开启这些对话也很有帮助。

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深陷强奸文化的牢笼之中

“成年人应该利用书籍和技巧等现有工具，但也要接受必须进行一些尴尬的对话，”健康教育家、《和你的男孩谈谈》一书的合著者克里斯托弗·佩珀警告说。坦然面对尴尬，能让男孩们明白，坦诚地谈论那些可能令人难堪的话题是可以的。

教导男孩不要强奸或性侵女孩时，绝不能含糊其辞。佩珀建议进行5分钟的谈话，明确讨论主题，重点关注价值观和期望。以下是一些谈话要点：

同意意味着从牵手到触摸以及其他性行为，每一步都需要得到对方的“同意”。切勿以为一次“同意”就能涵盖所有情况。

吸毒会使性行为失去同意权。如果女孩醉酒，请考虑如何帮助她安全回家。叫车，确保她不会独自一人，如果需要帮助，请寻求帮助。

双方都需要保持热情。双方都应该感到被尊重，并享受整个过程。

如果你需要说服她，那就说明你没有获得她的同意。恋爱关系中的胁迫可能很隐蔽，但却是有害的。

达菲也强调了明确同意界限的必要性。他指出：“在性行为中，随着事态发展，许多男孩开始想当然地认为对方已经同意，即使这种同意可能并不存在，或者早已消失。”同意做一件事并不意味着同意做所有事。

“茶与同意”视频在课堂上被广泛使用，它以给别人倒杯茶为喻，阐释了同意的逻辑。如果您的孩子还没看过，这个视频或许会有帮助。由科尔比学院学生创作的TikTok项目“男生性教育”则涵盖了从同意、约会到健康男性气质等方方面面的内容。

Chi Phi兄弟会Snapchat群组中50名年轻男性未出手相助，这一事实引发了公众的强烈愤慨（理所当然），但在旁观者情境中，指望别人伸出援手却是一种常见的现象。权力关系、等级制度和恐惧都可能阻碍人们挺身而出，尤其是在男性群体中。

男孩需要练习在危险情况下进行干预。“在男性社交群体中，往往只需要一个人挺身而出，叫停某件事，改变群体动态，就能让事情朝着另一个方向发展，”佩珀说。

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不熟悉“红丸”内容？青少年男孩无论是否愿意，都离不开它。

“权利在身”组织提出了旁观者干预的“5D”原则，旨在帮助人们学习如何帮助他人。这五种干预方法分别是：分散注意力（Distract）、委托他人（Delegate）、记录（Document）、延迟（Delay）和直接干预（Direct）。例如，在某些情况下，摔碎金属水瓶发出巨响或许可以分散他人注意力；但在另一些情况下，则需要委托他人，找到更合适的人来制止这种行为。在家中进行角色扮演练习，可以帮助男孩们做好在紧急情况下进行干预的准备。

达菲和佩珀都指出，男孩们对于自己想做什么以及何时做都有自己的想法，但他们也需要听到，他们可以自己设定关于同意的界限。

有些青少年在主动建立性关系时感到无能为力。“对于一些确实发生性关系的年轻男性来说，他们中的许多人表示，他们觉得女孩和女人利用性来控制他们，从而在关系中保持权力，”达菲解释说。“这导致他们在大多数亲密关系中都采取愤怒和对抗的态度。”

帮助你的儿子建立自己的一套关于恋爱关系中性亲密行为的价值观、期望和明确界限。男孩越是学会坦诚地谈论性和同意，就越能更好地与伴侣进行真诚、清晰的对话。

虽然没有简单的办法来教导孩子健康的性发育，但父母确实需要明确、一致且坚定地教导男孩尊重他们的亲密伴侣，并在目睹有害情况时责备他们的朋友。