5 parenting tricks I use on myself

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Parenting requires a lot of learning on the job. Raising a 7-year-old, I’ve benefited enormously from the wisdom of teachers, psychologists and other caregivers who have taught me ways to navigate a minefield of tantrums and meltdowns.

The more I learn about how to help a little kid through big feelings, the more I realize I need these strategies as much as my son does.

Adults often get so wrapped up in the demands of everyday life that we don’t recognize when we’re struggling emotionally, Dr. Jessi Gold, chief wellness officer for the University of Tennessee System and associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Tennessee Health Sciences in Memphis, told me. “We are really focused on the task, not the person doing the task.”

Parents teach their kids that their feelings are valid and treat them with compassion, she added, “but we don’t do that to ourselves.”

So I’ve started stealing these parenting tricks for myself — and you don’t need to be a parent to make them work for you.

A time-out is usually used as punishment, but I submit it can also be a gift you give yourself. When I am feeling overwhelmed — usually because my kid is asking more of me than I can deliver in the moment — sometimes the only way to keep from yelling, “Could everyone just shut up?!” is to remove myself from the situation. I send myself to my room.

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It’s a “preemptive time-out,” Gold told me. Stepping away from the thing that’s causing the extreme stress or emotion gives you a chance to cool down before saying something you might regret, she said.

When I can’t physically escape, saying something like, “I need a minute,” buys me time to collect myself.

I stole this one from a preschool handout intended to help pint-size pupils manage their outsize reactions. Young kids tend to respond to spilled milk-level challenges with DEFCON 1-level intensity. It wasn’t until recently that I realized I do the same thing.

Maybe I don’t scream and cry and throw myself on the floor, but in my head I’m freaking out. I am inclined to sweat the small stuff, make mountains out of molehills, and let the perfect be the enemy of the good. I will obsess and ruminate and beat myself up for minuscule mistakes. Or spend a disproportionate amount of time and energy weighing a low-stakes decision.

Now I try to channel the wisdom of a preschool teacher and ask myself: Is this a big or little problem? If it’s a little one, I can address it quickly or maybe not, but either way I stop letting it rent so much space in my head and push myself to move on.

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It is hard for a kid to switch from one thing to the next, whether it’s ending playtime to have dinner or putting on shoes to go outside. Transitioning from one activity to another commonly triggers tantrums, according to the Child Mind Institute , a mental health nonprofit. One way to forestall that is to offer a preparatory countdown. It can be something like: “Five more minutes of playing, then we’re leaving the park.”

We give kids structured schedules to make their day more predictable and make it clear what’s expected of them. We could give ourselves the same courtesy, Gold said.

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I’ve recently learned (with the help of a therapist who specializes in ADHD) that I need a countdown clock of my own. I easily lose track of time, especially when I am focused on something, such as writing this article.

I’ll know, for example, that I need to leave work in an hour. Then I will look up from my screen to find that 75 minutes have passed. Experts call this “ time blindness .” Now I give myself a five- to 15-minute warning (in the form of a calendar alert or phone alarm) before I need to wrap up what I’m doing.

It’s so simple and so profoundly helpful . There are several ways that slow, deep breathing can help diffuse stress . It can ratchet down the infamous fight-or-flight response, slow a racing heart, stabilize blood pressure, and stimulate the vagus nerve to trigger the part of your nervous system that makes you feel relaxed.

Whenever my son gets worked up, my go-to move is to tell him to take three deep breaths and count to five. You fell down and skinned your knee? Oh no, let’s take three deep breaths. You’re on the verge of a tantrum because I turned off the TV? Three deep breaths. Nervous walking into a new classroom? I hear you, dude: three deep breaths.

I’ll slowly inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth to show him what I want him to do. Secretly, I am also trying not to lose it.

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There is a reason that parents of young children travel with snacks : We know that a hangry kid is a recipe for disaster. Yet I’ll run for hours on a cup of coffee during a busy day, then wonder why I feel unfocused, bedraggled and downright grouchy. It could be burnout or a migraine or the patriarchy — or I might just be dehydrated.

“Our physical health is integrated very much into our mental health,” Gold said. If you don’t eat, drink or sleep, “you’re going to be meaner and crankier, and you’re going to cry when you don’t expect it, just like your kids would.”

It is amazing what a glass of water and a handful of pistachios can do. If only we all had a mom with a purse full of snacks to help us through the day.

Get inspired by a weekly roundup on living well, made simple. Sign up for CNN’s Life, But Better newsletter for information and tools designed to improve your well-being.

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为人父母需要不断学习。在养育一个7岁孩子的过程中，我从老师、心理学家和其他照护者那里受益匪浅，他们教会了我如何应对孩子发脾气和情绪崩溃的种种方法。

我越了解如何帮助小孩子应对强烈的情绪，就越意识到我和我儿子一样需要这些方法。

田纳西大学系统首席健康官、田纳西大学健康科学中心（位于孟菲斯）精神病学副教授杰西·戈尔德博士告诉我：“成年人常常忙于日常生活中的各种事务，以至于意识不到自己正经历情绪困扰。我们真正关注的是任务本身，而不是执行任务的人。”

她补充说，父母教导孩子他们的感受是合理的，并以同情心对待他们，“但我们却不会这样对待自己。”

所以我开始借鉴这些育儿技巧——你不需要是父母也能让这些技巧对你有用。

暂停通常被用作惩罚，但我认为它也可以成为你送给自己的一份礼物。当我感到压力过大时——通常是因为孩子要求我做的事情超过了我当时的能力范围——有时，为了避免大喊“大家都安静点好吗？！”，唯一的办法就是让自己暂时离开那个环境。我会把自己关在房间里。

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为人父母是一项艰巨的任务，而且“极其不便”。贝基·肯尼迪博士提供了5个应对之策。

戈尔德告诉我，这是一种“先发制人的暂停”。她说，暂时远离导致你极度紧张或情绪波动的事情，能让你有机会冷静下来，避免说出一些你可能会后悔的话。

当我无法亲自逃脱时，说一句“我需要一分钟时间”之类的话，就能为我争取一些时间来整理思绪。

我从一份幼儿园讲义上“借鉴”了这个方法，这份讲义旨在帮助小朋友们控制他们过激的反应。小孩子往往会把牛奶洒了这种小事反应得像一级战备状态一样强烈。直到最近我才意识到，我自己也经常这样。

也许我不会尖叫、哭泣、瘫倒在地，但我的脑子里早已一片混乱。我总是为小事斤斤计较，小题大做，让完美主义成为追求卓越的绊脚石。我会纠结于一些微不足道的错误，反复思量，甚至为此自责不已。或者，我会花费过多的时间和精力去权衡一个无关紧要的决定。

现在我试着借鉴幼儿园老师的智慧，问自己：这是个大问题还是小问题？如果是小问题，我可以很快解决，也许不能，但无论如何，我都会停止让它占据我太多的思绪，督促自己继续前进。

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对孩子来说，从一件事过渡到另一件事并不容易，无论是结束玩耍去吃饭，还是穿鞋出门。据儿童心理研究所（一家心理健康非营利组织）称，这种活动间的转换常常会引发孩子的哭闹。预防这种情况的一个方法是提前倒计时。例如：“再玩五分钟，我们就离开公园。”

我们为孩子们制定结构化的作息时间表，让他们的生活更有规律，也让他们清楚地知道自己应该做什么。戈尔德说，我们也可以对自己这样做。

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“温柔式育儿”对孩子的好处

最近，在一位专攻多动症的治疗师的帮助下，我意识到自己需要一个倒计时钟。我很容易忘记时间，尤其是在专注于某件事的时候，比如写这篇文章。

例如，我知道自己还有一小时就要下班了。然后，当我从屏幕上抬起头时，却发现已经过去了75分钟。专家称之为“时间盲症”。现在，我会在需要结束手头工作前5到15分钟给自己设置提醒（比如日历提醒或手机闹钟）。

它如此简单，却又如此有效。缓慢深呼吸可以通过多种方式帮助缓解压力。它可以降低臭名昭著的“战斗或逃跑”反应，减缓心跳，稳定血压，并刺激迷走神经，从而激活神经系统中让你感到放松的部分。

每当我儿子情绪激动时，我都会让他深呼吸三次，然后数到五。你摔倒擦破了膝盖？哦，不好意思，我们来深呼吸三次。我关了电视，你快要发脾气了？深呼吸三次。走进新教室紧张？我懂你，孩子：深呼吸三次。

我会慢慢地用鼻子吸气，再用嘴巴呼气，以此来告诉他我想要他做什么。其实，我也在努力克制自己，不让自己崩溃。

呼吸更顺畅，生活更美好：为什么呼吸是你的超能力

带小孩的父母出门总会带零食是有原因的：我们都知道，饿着肚子的孩子会闹脾气，简直是灾难。然而，忙碌的一天里，我却常常只靠一杯咖啡撑过几个小时，然后又纳闷自己为什么会感到注意力不集中、疲惫不堪，甚至脾气暴躁。这可能是因为过度劳累、偏头痛，或是父权制的影响——也可能只是因为脱水了。

“我们的身体健康与心理健康息息相关，”戈尔德说。“如果你不吃饭、不喝水、不睡觉，你就会变得更暴躁、更易怒，而且会在意想不到的时候哭泣，就像你的孩子一样。”

一杯水和一把开心果就能带来如此神奇的效果，真是令人惊叹。要是我们都有个妈妈，包里总是装着满满的零食，能帮我们度过一天就好了。

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