I used to judge women for hiding their age – until my own age was used against me

In her 20s, the writer thought keeping your age private was silly. Now, she understands why some women choose to do so: Revealing your age can give people a reason to judge your work, appearance and relevance before they know you.

Knowing a woman’s age can shape how others see her competence at work, appearance and relevance. (Photo: iStock/Miljan Zivkovic)

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A couple of years ago, after finishing a maternity-cover contract managing a small team, my younger colleagues shared their honest feedback with me. One comment stood out: They had expected me – their new manager in her 40s – to be stuffy and stern.

Two were in their 20s, one in her early 30s. I was 43 then, and that number had already shaped their ideas about me before we worked together. But they told me they were relieved to be wrong.

Being on the receiving end of that assumption made two things click at once: why some women would rather not reveal their age – and how quickly I had once judged them for not doing so.

When I was in my 20s, I didn’t understand why some women kept their age private. It seemed unnecessary, maybe even a bit dishonest. To me, age was just a fact, so why hide it?

Throughout my 20s and 30s, I worked at women’s lifestyle magazines and often interviewed women in their 40s and older. I admired them. They were accomplished, confident, and comfortable in ways I wasn’t yet. That’s exactly why their secrecy confused me.

I remember interviewing a successful woman – easily the most interesting person I’d spoken to that month. When she asked me, gently but firmly, not to include her age, I was genuinely baffled and thought her request came from insecurity.

To me, her age showed all she had achieved. I didn’t realise she knew something I hadn’t learned yet: That once people knew her age, they might judge those achievements differently.

Instead of seeing what she had accomplished on its own terms, they would measure them against where they thought a woman of her age should already be in her career or life.

WHEN AGEISM COSTS WOMEN CAREER OPPORTUNITIES

Looking back, the irony is obvious. I was working inside the very system that creates age anxiety, writing skincare features about creams, serums and the idea of turning back time.

I thought I was celebrating great women, but I didn’t see that I was creating the very pressure that made them want to hide their ages in the first place.

As a former journalist who wrote articles about skincare and beauty, the writer says she was part of the pressure that made women want to hide their ages. (Photo: iStock/parichat wongyai)

Reality hit four years ago. A recruiter contacted me about a job for a fast-growing social e-commerce company in Singapore. She praised my experience and background.

But as soon as my age – 41 at that time – came up, her tone changed. She sounded hesitant and almost apologetic. Her client, she said, wanted someone younger.

When I asked how they expected someone to have over 15 years of experience and still be a decade younger than me, she agreed it was ridiculous but said it was a strict requirement from the client.

That was the first time my age closed a door for me. Her client wanted everything my years of experience had taught me, just without the years.

Once I noticed it, I realised how often we use age as a shortcut to judge others.

When the writer was 41, she lost a job opportunity when a company wanted someone with as much experience as she had but younger. (Photo: iStock/Weekend Images Inc.)

When I worked in corporate marketing, I had direct managers and global heads who were five to 10 years younger than me.

As a newcomer navigating a different industry, I wanted to be careful not to step on any toes. I never asked their age directly, but I engaged in a bit of birth-year profiling – checking their LinkedIn profiles to decode how I ought to speak to them.

I felt I needed that number to decide how to act as an older subordinate: Smart enough to do my job, but not so smart that I made them feel uncomfortable. As soon as I deduced their age, it shaped how I spoke and how much of my background I shared.

“ People naturally organise social information into categories. This helps us process a complicated environment quickly, but it can also lead us to mistake a shortcut for an accurate understanding of the individual, ” said Gabrielle-Beth Volovsky, a psychotherapist and counsellor at Talk Your Heart Out, a therapy and counselling service in Singapore.

WHY SOME WOMEN CHOOSE TO HIDE THEIR AGE

I wondered if other women felt this same pressure, so I started asking around.

Yasmin Bentgen, a financial adviser in her 30s, stopped sharing her age five years ago.

“I’ve never believed age determines competence,” she told me. “In finance, credibility is judged instantly. The moment people know your number, their assumptions shift, and the number becomes the focus instead of the value you deliver.

“I would rather be recognised for my work, the relationships I’ve built, and the impact I’ve had on my clients than be defined by a number.”

The moment someone knows your age, the focus shifts to the number instead of what you can bring to the table, says a financial adviser who keeps her age private. (Photo: iStock/skynesher)

Sometimes, it’s about physical appearance. The pressure on women to look young is everywhere, and sharing your age can feel like handing people a checklist to grade how well you’ve aged.

Ever since she started working in Singapore at 18, stylist Ho Chuen Lai has grown used to people guessing her age. In fact, it was precisely the relentless guessing that drove her to start taking serious care of her skin in the first place.

Now in her 40s, she sees how loaded those moments really are. “In many cultures, youth is heavily tied to attractiveness and vitality,” she said. “So when someone assumes you are older than you are, particularly when you have put time and effort into your health and appearance, it can feel like a judgement on how you look.”

WHEN YOUR AGE BECOMES YOUR STORY

Whether the setting is professional or personal, once you reveal your age, others start building a story about you, deciding what you should wear, how far you can go in your career, or whether you’re still relevant.

Worse, that number becomes the default reason for everything. When my Gen Alpha son uses slang that I have to ask him to explain, he tells me, matter-of-factly, that I’m old. And it doesn’t bother me in the least. How could it? The slang simply isn’t from my generation.

But in the wider world, missing a pop-culture reference, a new app or a viral trend is rarely seen as a simple oversight – it’s treated as proof that you’re out of touch and the world has passed you by.

As Volovsky explains, age can become the story through which everything else is interpreted: “The behaviour has not changed, but the story surrounding it has.”

Once your age is known, others tend to make assumptions about you – what you should wear, achieve in your career and whether you’re still relevant, says the writer. (Photo: iStock/Noko LTD)

Which brings me back to my former colleagues. Their initial assumption that I had to be rigid wasn’t borne out of malice. But assuming a manager in her 40s will be stuffy relies on the exact same logic as assuming a woman who keeps her age private is vain: both decide a woman’s story before giving her the chance to tell it herself.

As I approach 45, I still tell people my age without much thought. To me, it remains a simple fact, and I see no reason to change how I operate. But I no longer see my transparency as a sign of superior honesty – which is precisely the kind of smug judgment I would have made 20 years ago.

What I’ve realised is that both choices are about the same thing: a woman deciding for herself how she wants to be seen.

For some, saying their age out loud is a small act of defiance, a way of saying, “This is how old I am, and I refuse to hide it.” For others, like Bentgen, the power is in keeping it private, not letting a number show up before she does.

The point isn’t to convince women to choose one approach over the other, but to create a world where either choice carries fewer assumptions – ideally, none .

“The broader aim should not be to convince people, particularly women, to reveal their age. It should be to reduce the social penalties attached to ageing, while also respecting a person’s right to decide what they disclose,” said Volovsky.

That’s the world I would like to live in. But by writing this, I’ve shared my age with you too, and you’re free to build your own story about who I am and what I can do. I just hope that this time, you notice yourself doing it.

CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg .

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这位作家二十多岁时觉得隐瞒年龄很傻。现在，她明白了为什么有些女性会选择这样做：透露年龄会让人们在了解你之前，就对你的作品、外貌和影响力妄下评判。

了解一位女性的年龄会影响他人对她工作能力、外貌和价值的看法。（图片：iStock/Miljan Zivkovic）

这段音频是由人工智能工具生成的。

几年前，在我结束了一份管理小团队的产假替补合同后，我的年轻同事们向我坦诚地表达了他们的意见。其中一条评论让我印象深刻：他们原本以为我——他们四十多岁的新经理——会很古板严厉。

其中两人二十多岁，一人三十出头。那时我43岁，在我们共事之前，这个数字就已经影响了他们对我的看法。但他们告诉我，他们很庆幸自己错了。

成为这种假设的接受者让我立刻明白了两件事：为什么有些女性不愿透露自己的年龄——以及我曾经多么迅速地因为她们不这样做而对她们妄下判断。

我二十多岁的时候，不理解为什么有些女性要隐瞒自己的年龄。我觉得没必要，甚至有点不诚实。在我看来，年龄只是一个事实，为什么要隐瞒呢？

在我二十多岁到三十多岁的时候，我一直在女性生活方式杂志工作，经常采访四十岁及以上的女性。我很欣赏她们。她们事业有成、自信满满，而且处事自如，而这些正是我当时所不具备的。正因如此，她们的神秘感才让我感到困惑。

我记得采访过一位事业有成的女性——那绝对是我当月遇到的最有趣的人。当她委婉而坚定地要求我不要提及她的年龄时，我真的感到很困惑，还以为她是因为缺乏安全感才提出这样的要求。

在我看来，她的年龄恰恰说明了她所取得的成就。我当时并没有意识到，她明白一个我尚未领悟的道理：一旦人们知道她的年龄，他们或许会以不同的眼光看待她的成就。

他们不去客观地看待她所取得的成就，而是用他们认为她这个年纪的女性在事业或生活中应该达到的水平来衡量她。

当年龄歧视剥夺女性的职业机会时

现在回想起来，这真是莫大的讽刺。我当时身处一个制造年龄焦虑的体系之中，撰写关于面霜、精华液以及逆转时光理念的护肤文章。

我以为我是在赞扬伟大的女性，但我没有意识到，我恰恰制造了让她们一开始就想隐藏年龄的压力。

这位曾撰写护肤和美容文章的前记者表示，她也曾是导致女性想要掩盖年龄的压力之一。（图片：iStock/parichat wongyai）

四年前，现实给了我当头一棒。一位猎头联系我，说新加坡一家快速发展的社交电商公司正在招聘。她对我的经验和背景赞不绝口。

但当我提到我的年龄——当时41岁——时，她的语气就变了。她听起来犹豫不决，甚至有些歉意。她说，她的客户想要一个更年轻的人​​。

当我问她，他们怎么能指望一个拥有超过 15 年经验的人还比我年轻十岁时，她承认这很荒谬，但表示这是客户的严格要求。

那是我第一次因为年龄而碰壁。她的客户想要我多年经验所教会我的一切，只是不想让我拥有同样的年龄。

我注意到这一点后，意识到我们常常用年龄作为评判他人的捷径。

这位作家41岁时，错失了一次工作机会，因为一家公司想要一位和她经验相当但更年轻的人​​。（图片：iStock/Weekend Images Inc.）

我在企业营销部门工作时，我的直接主管和全球负责人比我年轻 5 到 10 岁。

作为一个初入行的新人，我小心翼翼，生怕冒犯到任何人。我从未直接询问他们的年龄，但我会根据他们的出生年份进行一些背景调查——查看他们的领英个人资料，以便了解应该如何与他们交谈。

我觉得我需要知道对方的年龄才能决定如何扮演一个年长的下属：既要足够聪明胜任工作，又不能太聪明让他们感到不自在。一旦我推断出他们的年龄，我的说话方式以及我分享的背景信息都会随之改变。

“人们自然而然地会将社会信息分类整理。这有助于我们快速处理复杂的环境，但也可能导致我们误把捷径当作对个人的准确理解，”新加坡心理治疗和咨询服务机构“倾诉心声”（Talk Your Heart Out）的心理治疗师兼咨询师加布里埃尔-贝丝·沃洛夫斯基（Gabrielle-Beth Volovsky）说道。

为什么有些女性选择隐瞒自己的年龄

我想知道其他女性是否也有同样的压力，于是我开始四处打听。

三十多岁的财务顾问亚斯敏·本特根五年前就不再透露自己的年龄了。

“我从来不认为年龄能决定能力，”她告诉我。“在金融领域，信誉是立竿见影的。一旦人们知道了你的数字，他们的假设就会改变，数字本身就会成为关注的焦点，而不是你创造的价值。”

“我宁愿人们认可我的工作、我建立的关系以及我对客户的影响，而不是用一个数字来定义我。”

一位不愿透露年龄的理财顾问表示，一旦别人知道你的年龄，关注点就会转移到你的年龄数字上，而不是你能为公司带来什么。（图片：iStock/skynesher）

有时候，这与外貌有关。女性承受着无处不在的年轻化压力，透露自己的年龄就像是在给别人递一张清单，让他们来评判你老得怎么样。

自从18岁在新加坡开始工作以来，造型师何春丽就习惯了人们猜测她的年龄。事实上，正是这种没完没了的猜测促使她开始认真保养皮肤。

如今她已年过四十，才真正体会到那些时刻的意义。“在很多文化中，青春与魅力和活力紧密相连，”她说。“所以，当有人误以为你比实际年龄大，尤其是在你为健康和外貌投入了大量时间和精力之后，你会感觉自己被评判了容貌。”

当你的年龄成为你的故事

无论场合是工作还是私人，一旦你透露了自己的年龄，其他人就会开始编造关于你的故事，决定你应该穿什么衣服，你的事业能走多远，或者你是否仍然具有影响力。

更糟糕的是，这个数字成了所有事情的默认理由。当我的阿尔法世代儿子使用一些我不得不让他解释的俚语时，他会一本正经地告诉我，我老了。而我对此毫不在意。怎么可能在意呢？这些俚语根本就不是我们这代人用的。

但在更广阔的世界里，错过流行文化梗、新应用或病毒式传播的潮流很少被视为简单的疏忽——它会被视为你与时代脱节、世界已经把你抛在身后的证据。

正如沃洛夫斯基所解释的那样，年龄可以成为解读其他一切事物的故事：“行为本身并没有改变，但围绕着它的故事却改变了。”

作者指出，一旦年龄被人知晓，人们往往会对你做出各种假设——比如你应该穿什么衣服、在事业上取得怎样的成就，以及你是否仍然具有影响力。（图片：iStock/Noko LTD）

这让我想起了我的前同事们。他们最初认为我性格固执，这并非出于恶意。但认为一位四十多岁的女经理会很古板，这与认为一位不愿透露年龄的女性很虚荣，遵循的逻辑如出一辙：两者都是在女性有机会讲述自己的故事之前，就先入为主地对她进行了评判。

眼看就要45岁了，我还是会不假思索地告诉别人我的年龄。对我来说，这只是一个简单的事实，我觉得没必要改变。但我不再把坦诚视为高人一等的诚实标志——而这恰恰是20年前我会沾沾自喜的想法。

我意识到，这两种选择其实都关乎同一件事：一个女人自己决定她想以怎样的形象示人。

对一些人来说，公开自己的年龄是一种小小的反抗，一种宣告“这就是我的年龄，我拒绝隐瞒”的方式。而对另一些人来说，比如本特根，力量在于保守秘密，不让年龄数字在她之前泄露出去。

重点不是说服女性选择一种方法而不是另一种方法，而是创造一个无论选择哪种方法都更少带有假设的世界——理想情况下，甚至没有假设。

沃洛夫斯基说：“更广泛的目标不应该是说服人们，特别是女性，透露自己的年龄。而应该是减少与衰老相关的社会惩罚，同时尊重个人决定披露哪些信息的权利。”

那是我理想中的世界。但写下这些文字，也等于向你透露了我的年龄，你可以自由地去构建关于我是谁、我能做什么的故事。我只希望这一次，你能意识到自己也在这样做。

CNA Women是CNA Lifestyle旗下的一个版块，旨在为现代女性提供信息、赋能和灵感。如果您有与女性相关的新闻、议题或想法想要与我们分享，请发送电子邮件至CNAWomen[at]mediacorp.com.sg。

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