‘Thinking of you’, ‘stay strong’: Why words like these can fail when a loved one is going through the worst

Michelle Bong Lejtenyi has spent her career finding the right words, but when people she loved faced cancer and grief, she struggled with knowing what to say. She’s learnt that sincerity can matter more than finding the perfect words.

What do you say when there are no words to express how you feel about a loved one’s suffering? (Photo: iStock/whyframestudio)

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I write for a living. Over two decades, I’ve conjured a small forest’s worth of cover stories, feature profiles, op-ed pieces, product snippets, press releases and social media posts. Writing feeds my family, covering insurance premiums, school fees, holidays, Pokemon cards and more TV channel subscriptions than we need.

I’ve spent most of my life finding the right words for other people’s business needs, product launches and brand stories. So, there’s really no excuse for situations when all I can muster is worse than silence.

My Achilles’ heel, I have found, is conveying consolation. Faced with situations of loss, grief or uncertainty, I shut down mentally. As the line from a beloved indie film from the mid-90s goes: “Can you define ‘irony’?”

My track record has been abysmal, at best.

I remember when an aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer years ago. I was so lost for words that I opted to text a feeble, “I’m sorry to hear about your condition”. When my former boss and dear friend was diagnosed with the same years later, all I could blurt out was, “oh s***”. Hardly Pulitzer Prize-winning.

Conveying consolation is the writer’s Achilles’ heel, resulting in clumsy texts to loved ones in the past. (Photo: iStock/recep-bg)

Then there was the time when an acquaintance was hospitalised for stomach cramps. Turns out, it was late-stage ovarian cancer . After much ruminating, I decided I would ask her how she was feeling. A clumsy “How are you?”. She never replied my text, because she was too incensed.

My husband received an earful from her and sheepishly told me about it. “Why is your wife asking me how I am?” she seethed. “I have f*cking cancer, okay? What do you mean ‘how are you?’”

I had never felt such mortification in my life.

WHY THE WORDS DISAPPEAR

How is it that my professional fluency deserts me in such situations?

Perhaps it’s because conveying consolation is the toughest brief to hit. In my work, there’s usually an endgame for each sentence I write. Sell a product. Explain a challenging situation. Paint a compelling picture.

In contrast, “Make someone feel less bad about their cancer/divorce/job loss/any other relevant negative situation” is almost unachievable.

For work, getting a sentence wrong on the first try costs nothing other than time. I can simply hit backspace several times, or Ctrl+X it all away. I can spend as much time as I want on getting the sentence right, polishing till it sounds perfect. No one would know how many attempts it took.

The writer wonders why her professional fluency does not come into play when she’s faced with a loved one going through cancer or grief. (Photo: iStock/gahsoon)

Text messages, theoretically, should offer me the same luxury. But they don’t. Too polished, and it reads insincere. Too blunt, and it can wound. Too careful, and the words seem found, not felt.

Here I am, trying to capture overwhelming emotions within a WhatsApp chat window. Two thumbs tapping on glass, stringing letters together that will hopefully articulate my feelings of sadness, fear and pain over what people I love are going through.

When words must be formed and delivered in real time, the stakes are higher. There’s no backspace button to stab at, no taking back a terrible choice of words once they land.

THE DANGEROUS TRAP OF COMFORT CLICHES

Just recently, I found myself struggling again. There were two shocking cancer diagnoses in my extended family: my cousin with late-stage ovarian cancer, and my aunt with late-stage pancreatic cancer. I also attended the wake of a good friend who lost her mum to pancreatic cancer. Around the same time, my sister-in-law in Canada had to undergo surgery for a brain tumour.

Inwardly cursing myself for my ineptitude, I audited my brain’s word bank for the best options. Several ridiculously trite comfort phrases crossed my mind, but I had the good sense to bury them in the graveyard of platitudes.

“I know how you’re feeling, stay strong”: It’s the equivalent of “thoughts and prayers”. With all due respect, no one can fully comprehend what someone is going through, even having experienced the same. We all deal with adversity differently.

On top of the physical and emotional toil of fighting a chronic illness, no one deserves the additional burden of displaying a show of strength for whoever is watching. These words are neither an emotional prop nor supportive. Pathetic.

“Thinking of you”: As heartfelt as that sentiment might be, it’s the sentence equivalent of self-protective distance disguised as empathy. The message is clear: I’d like to think I know what you’re going through. I really cannot come up with something better to say. Oh, and I just made you waste a few minutes of your life trying to figure out what I mean. Embarrassing.

Saying “I know how you’re feeling, stay strong” seldom comes across as supportive to the person going through the crisis. (Photo: iStock/NoraVector)

“Let me know if you need anything”: A weak mash-up of “I’m here for you” and “I’m just a phone call or text away”, this sounds generous at first. But it’s quickly recognised as an exit door disguised as an open one. What kind of person puts the onus on someone already going through chemotherapy to reach out for help? Horrific.

“You’ve got this”: Here are words meant to instil confidence but actually fall flat. Really? How can I say this to a woman who did not, in fact, have this? Flippant times 3,000.

WHEN YOU LEAD WITH HONESTY

Here’s what I managed instead.

“I know you will do what you need to, and I will be on this journey with you”: I texted that to my cousin, the same woman who changed my diapers, introduced me to the fascinating world of the English language, and attended my wedding.

“I will miss her too; she was so kind and lovely”: I said that to my good friend as I sat next to her at her mother’s wake. Her smile spoke volumes, and for a few moments, we were lost in memories of how her mother used to welcome us to her home and affectionately chide her for the smallest things.

“I’m shocked but quietly confident you will get through this.”: I texted these words to my sister-in-law before her surgery. Nothing profound, just a warm, tight hug conveyed with words.

I believe my words landed because they did not try to fix anything. My sister-in-law replied with a positive update before sending love to my boys and me. We’ve since exchanged more texts. My cousin texted back a simple heart emoji that somehow said more than a thesis could. I’ve visited her and she’s in good spirits.

Leading with honesty and sincerity can work better than any platitude. (Photo: iStock/Syok Media)

LESS ELOQUENCE, MORE HONESTY

Have I gotten better at expressing myself in such situations? I’m not quite convinced. I’ve just gotten marginally less bad at it, I guess, as I commit to always finding the right words for the people who matter most.

Call it age, but I reckon as people get on in years, what they want to hear when life seems to be falling apart aren’t stock phrases that ring hollow, but acknowledgement. The presence that someone is aware of what you’re going through and sitting next to you in an uncomfortable truth without drenching it in the emotional shield of optimism.

It could be in response to anything: a challenge faced at work, a failing marriage, kids who won’t listen, the impending passing of a beloved pet. Meaningful communication is all it takes in an era of social media perfection and good-vibes-only mindsets.

Stock phrases that cost nothing to say only relieve the discomfort of the one saying them. Maybe that’s all anybody needs to do. Forget eloquence. Heartfelt beats clever turns of phrase or polished platitudes any time.

CNA Women is a section on CNA Lifestyle that seeks to inform, empower and inspire the modern woman. If you have women-related news, issues and ideas to share with us, email CNAWomen [at] mediacorp.com.sg .

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米歇尔·邦·莱特尼毕生致力于寻找恰当的措辞，但当她所爱的人罹患癌症、遭遇悲痛时，她却不知该如何表达。她最终明白，真诚远比找到完美的词语更重要。

当面对亲人遭受的痛苦，你却找不到合适的词语来表达你的感受时，你会说什么？（图片：iStock/whyframestudio）

这段音频由人工智能工具生成。

我以写作为生。二十多年来，我创作了数不胜数的封面故事、人物特写、评论文章、产品介绍、新闻稿和社交媒体帖子。写作养家糊口，支付保险费、学费、假期开销、宝可梦卡牌以及远超我们实际需求的电视频道订阅费用。

我一生的大部分时间都在为他人的商业需求、产品发布和品牌故事寻找合适的措辞。所以，如果我只能说出比沉默更糟糕的话，那就真的没有任何借口可言了。

我发现，我的软肋在于表达安慰。面对失落、悲伤或不确定的情况，我的精神会彻底崩溃。正如一部我非常喜欢的90年代中期独立电影里的一句台词所说：“你能定义一下‘讽刺’吗？”

我的过往业绩充其量只能说是糟糕透顶。

我记得几年前一位姑姑被诊断出乳腺癌时，我震惊得说不出话来，只能无力地发了一条短信：“听到这个消息我很抱歉。”几年后，我的前老板兼挚友也被诊断出同样的疾病，我脱口而出的却是：“哦，天哪。” 这可算不上什么高雅的表达。

表达安慰是写作者的软肋，导致他们过去给亲人发的短信常常显得笨拙不堪。（图片：iStock/recep-bg）

还有一次，一个熟人因为胃痉挛住院了。结果发现，是晚期卵巢癌。我反复思量之后，决定问问她感觉怎么样。笨拙地问了句“你好吗？”。她一直没回我信息，因为她太生气了。

我丈夫被她狠狠地训了一顿，只好不好意思地告诉我。“你老婆凭什么问我怎么样？”她怒气冲冲地说，“我得了癌症，好吗？你问‘你怎么样’是什么意思？”

我这辈子从未感到过如此羞辱。

为什么文字会消失

为什么在这种情况下，我的专业表达能力会突然消失呢？

或许是因为，传达安慰是最难做到的。在我的工作中，我写的每一句话通常都有一个最终目的：推销产品、解释棘手的情况、描绘引人入胜的画面。

相比之下，“让某人因患癌症/离婚/失业/任何其他相关负面情况而感到不那么难过”几乎是不可能实现的。

工作中，第一次写错句子除了浪费时间之外，不会造成任何损失。我可以简单地按几次退格键，或者直接用Ctrl+X删除。我可以花尽可能多的时间来修改句子，反复润色直到完美无瑕。没有人会知道我尝试了多少次。

作者不禁疑惑，为何当她面对患癌或悲痛的亲人时，她专业的语言表达能力却无法发挥作用。（图片：iStock/gahsoon）

理论上，短信应该也能给我带来同样的舒适感。但事实并非如此。过于文雅，显得不够真诚；过于直白，又会伤人；过于谨慎，字里行间又显得刻意，缺乏真情实感。

我此刻正试图用WhatsApp聊天窗口捕捉内心翻涌的情绪。两只大拇指敲击着屏幕，努力将文字串联起来，希望能表达出我对所爱之人正在经历的苦难的悲伤、恐惧和痛苦。

当必须实时组织和表达语言时，风险就更高了。没有退格键可以修改，一旦说出口，就无法收回糟糕的措辞。

舒适陈词滥调的危险陷阱

最近，我又陷入了困境。我的大家庭里传来两起令人震惊的癌症诊断：我的表妹被诊断出卵巢癌晚期，我的姑姑被诊断出胰腺癌晚期。我还参加了一位好友的葬礼，她的母亲也因胰腺癌去世。差不多同一时间，我在加拿大的嫂子也因为脑瘤接受了手术。

我暗自咒骂自己的无能，同时快速搜索脑海中的词汇库，寻找最佳方案。好几句陈词滥调的安慰话语在我脑海中闪过，但我明智地将它们埋葬在了陈词滥调的坟墓里。

“我知道你的感受，坚强起来”：这相当于“为你祈祷”。恕我直言，即使有过同样的经历，也没有人能够完全理解别人正在经历什么。我们每个人应对逆境的方式都不同。

在与慢性疾病抗争的身心折磨之外，没有人应该再背负在旁人面前强颜欢笑的重担。这些话既不能抚慰人心，也不能给予支持。真是可悲。

“想念你”：这句话虽然饱含深情，却也像是伪装成同情的自我保护式疏离。言下之意很明显：我自以为能理解你的感受，但我实在想不出更好的表达方式。哦，对了，我还让你浪费了几分钟时间琢磨我的意思。真尴尬。

对正在经历危机的人来说，说“我知道你的感受，坚强起来”很少能起到支持作用。（图片：iStock/NoraVector）

“如果你需要什么，请告诉我”：这句话听起来像是“我随时都在”和“我随时可以接电话或发短信”的拙劣拼凑，乍听之下似乎很慷慨。但很快就会发现，这其实是伪装成敞开大门的退路。究竟是什么样的人，才会把寻求帮助的责任推卸给正在接受化疗的人？简直令人发指。

“你能行的”：这句话本意是想给人以信心，但实际上却毫无作用。真的吗？我怎么能对一个实际上并不自信的女人说这种话呢？轻率得令人作呕。

当你以诚实为先时

以下是我最终采取的措施。

“我知道你会做你需要做的事，我会陪你一起走完这段旅程”：我把这条短信发给了我的表妹，就是那个给我换尿布、带我进入迷人的英语世界、并参加我婚礼的女人。

“我也会想念她的；她那么善良可爱。”在她母亲的守灵仪式上，我坐在好友身旁，对她说。她的笑容胜过千言万语，我们一时沉浸在回忆中，想起她母亲以前是如何热情地欢迎我们到她家做客，又是如何因为一些鸡毛蒜皮的小事而慈爱地责备她。

“我很震惊，但心里也相信你一定能挺过去。”：手术前，我给嫂子发了这条短信。没什么深奥的，只是用文字传递了一个温暖而坚定的拥抱。

我相信我的话之所以奏效，是因为我并没有试图去解决任何问题。嫂子回复了我一条积极的近况更新，并向我和我的孩子们表达了爱意。之后我们又互发了几条短信。表妹回复了一个简单的爱心表情，却胜过千言万语。我去看望过她，她精神状态很好。

以诚相待、真诚待人胜过任何空洞的言辞。（图片：iStock/Syok Media）

少些花言巧语，多些诚实

我在这种情况下表达自己的能力是否有所提高？我不太确定。我想，我只是稍微好了一些，没那么糟糕了，因为我始终致力于为那些对我最重要的人找到合适的措辞。

或许是年纪大了，但我认为，当人们步入人生低谷时，他们真正想听到的不是那些空洞的陈词滥调，而是真诚的理解和支持。他们渴望有人能真正理解你的处境，并坦诚地陪伴在你身边，直面那些令人不适的真相，而不是用乐观的外衣掩盖一切。

它可能是应对任何事情的回应：工作中的挑战、濒临破裂的婚姻、不听话的孩子、心爱的宠物即将离世。在这个社交媒体追求完美、唯有积极向上心态盛行的时代，真正需要的只是有效的沟通。

那些说起来毫不费力的陈词滥调，只会让说话者感到一丝不适。或许，这就足够了。别追求华丽的辞藻。真挚的情感永远胜过巧妙的措辞或圆滑的陈词滥调。

CNA Women是CNA Lifestyle旗下的一个版块，旨在为现代女性提供信息、赋能和灵感。如果您有与女性相关的新闻、议题或想法想要与我们分享，请发送电子邮件至CNAWomen[at]mediacorp.com.sg。

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