Stop criticizing your child’s athletic performance on the drive home

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As soon as my son pressed play, the video made me wince.

A few years ago, he’d discretely recorded me from the backseat as I was driving, talking to my other son in the passenger seat. We were returning from one of their junior tennis matches and I was questioning what I had perceived to be a lack of effort. As I watched it back, I told myself that it could have been worse; I wasn’t angry but seeing it many years later made me wish I could take it all back.

Earlier this summer, I thought about those days again when Melanie Bedard’s 2023 interview with the Toronto Star about “the drive home” resurfaced. Her son Connor was just named captain of the Chicago Blackhawks, and is considered one of the best professional hockey players of his generation.

“Connor would say some of his teammates would be crying because they didn’t want to go on the car rides with their dad, with their parents,” she said of his early days in the game. “And I thought, all these people in this machine, you are losing sight of the most important thing, your relation.

“Because even if they are the next (NHL hockey legend Sidney) Crosby, they’ll probably be done in their 30s and you’ve damaged that relationship that you could have had for the rest of your life,” she said.

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The “drive home” is a recognized experience, almost a rite of passage that many young athletes will have to endure immediately after a disappointing practice or game, trapped inside a vehicle when the emotions are most raw. It’s one of the reasons that many children fall out of love with sports: 70% of youth athletes drop out of organized sports by the age of 13, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics.

When I pitched the idea of this story to my editor, his reaction was visceral “I remember those rides home with my dad,” he said, rolling his eyes. Buried in my own subconscious is the memory of my father telling me of his embarrassment when I’d trailed in last place in a 400-meter race at my English middle school.

Every season, millions of young athletes are being driven home by parents navigating what to say, if anything, and how to say it.

A typical scene was created for a 2016 “True Sport” public service film in Canada: “So, not your best practice,” begins the father’s disappointed monologue as he turns the key in the ignition. “Was something wrong? Because you seem distracted. Can we agree on that?”

The camera slowly pans around the car to reveal a young boy sitting diagonally behind him, in silence. “It seemed like you wanted to hang out with your friends more than practice. Maybe we can skip your next game. That way, I don’t have to rush home from work to sit on a freezing cold bench for two hours to watch you and your buddies jerk around.”

The put-downs keep on coming, each one cutting deeper than the last, “Wasting your time’s one thing, wasting my time and your coach’s time, that’s selfish. Maybe that’s who you are.”

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“The number one reason why kids leave sport is because it’s not fun anymore,” said Karri Dawson, True Sport Foundation’s former executive director. She told CNN that the campaign was designed to speak to the average, well-intentioned parents who may not be aware of the power of their words.

In some cases, it was profoundly successful, Dawson said. “They were like, ‘Oh my word!’ People reaching out to me saying, ‘I had no idea that the things I was saying and doing may be having such a negative impact on my child’s enjoyment.’”

What plays out in those car rides home has actually been studied by Jeemin Kim, assistant professor of kinesiology at Michigan State University, who worked with the late Katherine Tamminen to understand those conversations. Their findings were published in January 2022.

While admitting to a probable sampling bias, because overbearing parents are unlikely to allow GoPro cameras to record their post-game interactions, Kim said that he was generally encouraged by the 28 parent-child pairings and 30 hours of footage he observed.

“There’s this narrative of youth sport, parents are crazy, they’re always screaming at their kids, but that just wasn’t the case,” Kim told CNN. The study revealed that 59% of the recording was silence. “When emotions are running high, it’s not a bad thing to sit there and then let the emotions cool down,” he added.

The study revealed that sport was only discussed 13% of the time and that parents provided more praise about their child’s performance than the athlete did themselves. “In several instances, parents interjected before athletes could respond to their parents’ comments,” Kim said.

Researchers also interviewed the parents and their athlete children.

“I remember one kid saying something along the lines of, ‘I love playing the sport, but you don’t play to have these conversations,’” he added. “If that’s the memory they’re going to have associated with youth sport, they’re not going to remember it as good.”

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Few of us have the wherewithal to be as disciplined as Richard Williams, who famously banned tennis talk with his daughters Venus and Serena on the way home. I remember reading that the father of two of the most famous tennis stars on the planet wanted to preserve the innocence of their youth for as long as possible. It was an edict that applied whether they had won or lost – there would be no recriminations, but he wouldn’t entertain any gloating either.

Several US-based organizations have highlighted the ride home as a critical element of a child’s sports enjoyment, but even some of the most vocal advocates admit that it’s not always easy. Former professional soccer player John O’Sullivan, who founded the Changing the Game Project, once admitted that he couldn’t help himself when his son TJ didn’t want to play in the first game for the team that he was coaching.

“On the car ride home, I felt the need to address this issue,” he wrote on his website, explaining that his wife karate-chopped him across the chest as soon as he addressed their five-year-old in the back seat.

“Really, didn’t you just write a whole book about this?” she shot back with a stern look.

It’s an anecdote that many parents will relate to – O’Sullivan was worried that his son would miss out on a game that he had loved all his life.

He advises parents now to just to say five words when everyone is back in the car: “I love watching you play.”

Regardless of their age, most athletes know when they have messed up. They don’t need to be told. They may also need time to process their own emotions about the game, and a parent’s lecture on the way home may kick off before they’ve fully come to terms with what just happened.

Why failure is your child’s best tool

The author of several books about peak performance, and a coach of his children’s youth teams, Brad Stulberg understands how consequential these moments can be. “The worst thing you can do is analyze the game,” he told CNN. “And even if they played great, you’re sending a message to the kid, like, ‘Well if I didn’t play great, are you not going to be excited to be with me?’

“I think the kids just want to be kids, and if they want to talk about what happened, they’ll tell you. But generally, my experience is they don’t.”

Looking back on those drives with my twins, who are both now in college, our best rides home were the ones that never focused on tennis. On one occasion, as one of my sons was starting to get into music, he’d play a track and ask me to guess how long was left on the song. The first time he asked, I nailed it. Somehow, I knew that there were exactly 27 seconds left on “Wonderwall” by Oasis. His eyes lit up as if I’d just performed some kind of sorcery.

It was beginners’ luck, and I never did it again. But it was a magical moment.

My boys dropped tennis after high school and are now in a college band together. When they were starting out as budding musicians, the drives home from practice or those early “School of Rock”-style performances were always joyful. There was never any chatter about off-tempo rhythms or missed notes. That’s how I should have done it for sport, too.

Nobody wants to be criticized for something that is supposed to be fun, and if you ruin all the fun, don’t be surprised if they don’t want to do it for much longer. Just love watching them play, and talk about anything else.

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儿子按下播放键的那一刻，视频就让我感到一阵刺痛。

几年前，我开车时，他偷偷地坐在后座录下了我和坐在副驾驶座上的另一个儿子说话的画面。当时我们刚看完他们的一场青少年网球比赛，我正在反思自己之前觉得他们不够努力的行为。回看录像时，我告诉自己情况可能更糟；我当时并不生气，但多年后再看这段录像，我真希望当初能把一切都抹去。

今年夏天早些时候，梅兰妮·贝达德 (Melanie Bedard) 2023 年接受《多伦多星报》采访时谈到“回家的路”，这段采访再次浮出水面，让我想起了那些日子。她的儿子康纳 (Connor) 刚刚被任命为​​芝加哥黑鹰队队长，被认为是同代最优秀的职业冰球运动员之一。

“康纳会说，他的一些队友会哭，因为他们不想和爸爸、和父母一起坐车，”她回忆起康纳刚开始打球的时候说道。“我想，所有这些身处这台机器里的人，你们正在忽略最重要的东西——彼此之间的关系。”

“因为即使他们是下一个（NHL冰球传奇人物西德尼·）克罗斯比，他们也可能在30多岁就退役了，而你已经破坏了原本可以持续一生的关系，”她说。

Bruce Bennett/Getty Images

“回家路上”是许多年轻运动员都经历过的痛苦体验，几乎是一种必经的考验。在一次令人失望的训练或比赛后，他们被困在车里，情绪最为激动，而这正是许多孩子对运动失去热情的原因之一：据美国儿科学会统计，70%的青少年运动员在13岁之前就退出了所有有组织的体育运动。

当我向编辑提出这个故事构思时，他的反应非常直接。“我记得小时候和爸爸一起回家的情景，”他翻了个白眼说道。我的潜意识里也埋藏着一段记忆：当年我在英国中学参加400米赛跑，垫底，父亲为此感到羞愧难当。

每个赛季，数百万年轻运动员在父母的陪伴下开车回家，父母们都在琢磨着该说什么、该说什么，以及该怎么说。

加拿大2016年推出的公益宣传片《真体育》（True Sport）中，就有一个典型的场景：“看来你这表现不太好，”父亲失望地自言自语道，同时转动着车钥匙。“出什么事了吗？你看起来心不在焉的。我们能达成共识吗？”

镜头缓缓绕着车子移动，露出一个坐在他斜后方、沉默不语的小男孩。“你好像更想和朋友们玩，而不是训练。也许我们可以不参加你下一场比赛。这样我就不用下班后急匆匆地赶回家，坐在冰冷的板凳上两个小时，看你和你的小伙伴们胡闹了。”

贬损之词接踵而至，一句比一句更伤人，“浪费你的时间是一回事，浪费我的时间和你教练的时间，那就是自私。也许你就是这样的人。”

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挪威体育如此出色的文化根源

“孩子们放弃体育运动的首要原因是他们觉得运动不再有趣了，”真体育基金会前执行董事卡里·道森说道。她告诉CNN，这项活动的目的是为了与那些可能没有意识到自己言语力量的普通、善意的家长们沟通。

道森说，在某些情况下，这种方法非常有效。“他们会说，‘我的天哪！’有人联系我说，‘我完全没想到我的言行会对孩子的快乐产生如此负面的影响。’”

密歇根州立大学运动机能学助理教授金智敏（Jeemin Kim）曾与已故的凯瑟琳·塔米宁（Katherine Tamminen）合作，研究人们在回家路上开车时发生的对话。他们的研究成果于2022年1月发表。

金承认可能存在抽样偏差，因为强势的父母不太可能允许 GoPro 相机记录他们赛后的互动，但他表示，他观察到的 28 对亲子组合和 30 小时的录像总体上令他感到鼓舞。

“人们常说青少年体育运动中的家长都很疯狂，总是对孩子大吼大叫，但事实并非如此，”金告诉CNN。研究显示，录音中有59%的时间是沉默。“当情绪高涨时，静静地待在那里，让情绪冷静下来，这并非坏事，”他补充道。

研究表明，体育相关的话题仅占13%，而且父母对孩子表现的赞扬远多于运动员本人。“在很多情况下，父母甚至在运动员有机会回应之前就插话了，”金说道。

研究人员还采访了家长和他们的运动员子女。

“我记得有个孩子说过类似这样的话：‘我喜欢这项运动，但你打球不是为了进行这些对话的，’”他补充道。“如果这就是他们对青少年体育运动的记忆，那他们就不会对它留下美好的印象了。”

保罗·哈里斯/盖蒂图片社

我们当中很少有人能像理查德·威廉姆斯那样自律，他曾明确禁止女儿维纳斯和塞雷娜在回家的路上谈论网球。我记得读到过，这位两位世界顶级网球明星的父亲希望尽可能长久地守护她们的童真。无论输赢，这条规矩都适用——不会互相指责，但也不会允许她们沾沾自喜。

美国多家机构都强调，回家的路程是孩子享受运动乐趣的关键因素，但即使是最积极的倡导者也承认，这并非总是易事。前职业足球运动员约翰·奥沙利文创立了“改变比赛项目”（Changing the Game Project），他曾坦言，当他的儿子TJ不想参加他执教球队的第一场比赛时，他无法控制自己的情绪。

“在回家的车上，我觉得有必要解决这个问题，”他在自己的网站上写道，并解释说，当他向坐在后座上的五岁孩子说话时，他的妻子立刻用空手道劈了他一巴掌。

“真的吗？你不是刚写了一整本书来讲这个吗？”她厉声反驳道，神情严肃。

很多父母都会有类似的经历——奥沙利文担心他的儿子会错过他一生挚爱的游戏。

他现在建议家长们，当大家都回到车里时，只需说五个字：“我喜欢看你们玩耍。”

无论年龄大小，大多数运动员都知道自己犯了错，不需要别人提醒。他们可能也需要时间来消化比赛中的情绪，而回家路上父母的训斥可能在他们还没完全接受刚刚发生的事情之前就开始了。

为什么失败是孩子最好的工具

作为多本关于巅峰表现书籍的作者，同时也是他孩子所在青少年球队的教练，布拉德·斯图尔伯格深知这些时刻的重要性。“最糟糕的做法就是分析比赛，”他告诉CNN，“即使他们发挥出色，你也会向孩子传递这样的信息：‘如果我发挥不好，你是不是就不会想和我一起打球了？’”

“我觉得孩子们只想做个孩子，如果他们想谈谈发生了什么事，他们会告诉你的。但总的来说，我的经验是他们不会说。”

回想起那些和我的双胞胎儿子（他们现在都上大学了）一起开车回家的日子，我们最美好的时光莫过于那些不以网球为主题的旅程。有一次，我的一个儿子开始对音乐感兴趣，他会放一首歌，然后让我猜这首歌还剩多久。他第一次问我的时候，我猜对了。不知怎么的，我竟然知道绿洲乐队的《Wonderwall》还剩27秒。他的眼睛亮了起来，仿佛我刚刚施展了某种魔法。

那纯粹是新手运气，我之后再也没做过同样的事。但那真是个神奇的时刻。

我的儿子们高中毕业后就放弃了网球，现在一起组了个大学乐队。他们刚开始接触音乐的时候，每次排练完回家，或者像电影《摇滚学校》里那样演出，家里总是充满欢乐。从来没有人抱怨节奏不对或者弹错音符。我当初参加体育运动的时候也应该这样。

没人想因为一件原本应该很有趣的事情而被批评，如果你破坏了所有的乐趣，他们可能很快就会不想继续玩下去，这一点也不要感到惊讶。你就好好欣赏他们玩耍，然后聊聊其他的事情吧。

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