Why bosses find 'I'm sorry' so hard to say, and how to do it properly

Business founder Kelvin Kao says bosses should be willing to apologise to their staff if they get something wrong, but many seem reluctant to do so for reasons such as fear of reputational damage or even legal liability.

Bosses should be willing to apologise to their staff if they err, says the writer. (Photo: iStock)

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Adulthood is not just one phase of life but comes in stages. Its many facets can be overwhelming, from managing finances and buying a home to achieving work-life balance and maintaining healthy relationships. In this series, CNA explores the challenges of being an adult, drawing on personal experiences and expert insights to help readers navigate them.

I had to apologise to my staff recently. I had failed to deliver my work on time, and it resulted in a number of late night crashouts for the team as they scrambled to get the project back on schedule. While the project got completed on time eventually, I felt that it was necessary to acknowledge my part in the matter, given the anxiety it had caused.

So I gathered the people directly affected, looked them in the eye, and said: "I am sorry." The response was muted, and I didn’t expect otherwise. Nobody rushed to congratulate me on what a humble boss I was. There was no moving scene of collective forgiveness where we held hands and sang Kumbaya, which was probably just as well.

That response makes sense to Ms Evelyn Kwek, managing director of workplace consultancy Great Place To Work ASEAN and ANZ.

"Trust is built through small day-to-day moments, not in the grand gestures," she said. "Employees naturally take a wait-and-see approach after an apology to see if there is actual change."

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WHY BOSSES DON'T APOLOGISE

It seems reasonable to expect that bosses apologise when they get something wrong. Yet why does it feel like so few do? And for those who do, why do some do it so poorly?

As a boss myself, I think it’s because we always judge ourselves by our intentions, but others by their actions. When things go awry, I always have a plausible explanation on why it happened - and why it wasn’t really my fault.

I had a lot on my plate. Nobody chased me. Nobody chased me repeatedly. Why should I apologise?

Yet, even if those reasons were legitimate, at some point we do have to ask ourselves: Was there nothing in our power that we could have done to better the situation? Was I really so busy that I had no time to work on the project but made time for doomscrolling on Instagram? It’s hard to be completely honest with ourselves, because it requires vulnerability and strength of character.

When a boss does something wrong, they should own it fully, says the writer. (Photo: iStock)

THE REWARDS OF NOT SAYING SORRY

Turns out, there may even be a psychological reward for not apologising. In two studies published in the European Journal of Social Psychology in 2013 , researchers found that refusing to apologise could bolster the offender’s self-esteem, with feelings of power and control helping to explain the effect. It’s how we protect our sense of self, while someone else deals with the consequences. Dr Ruchi Sinha, an organisational psychologist and associate professor of practice at Nanyang Technological University’s Nanyang Business School, also pointed to fear of liability and differences in perspective as possible reasons why some bosses don’t apologise.

An apology can feel like an admission that might later be used against you. Leaders may worry about disciplinary action, damage to their reputation or, in some settings, legal consequences. That fear can produce carefully worded statements that express regret without accepting responsibility.

There is also a gap in perspective. A slightly delayed decision might seem like a small oversight to the boss, but for an employee, it could mean a whole week of overtime spent catching up. Before a leader can offer a meaningful apology, they have to recognise the harm from the other person’s point of view.

WHAT ARE YOU APOLOGISING FOR?

This is why the classic “I’m sorry you feel this way” is fundamentally a non-apology. Technically, it does contain the word “sorry”. But it’s quite a judo move in that it conveniently leaves out the root cause, while making the employee’s reaction sound like the problem.

Then there is the apology with a “but” attached.

“I’m sorry, but the deadline was tight.” “I’m sorry, but you should have told me earlier.” It’s true that context matters when identifying what went wrong, but it should not cancel our contribution to it.

A useful apology therefore requires specificity: what I did, what it caused, and what I should have done differently.

It also requires resisting the urge to make the occasion about ourselves.

"People hear the difference between regret that centres on the person who caused harm and an apology that centres on the person affected," Dr Sinha added.

The boss feels terrible; he’s so disappointed in himself. Could someone please "sayang" him and tell him he’s still a good boss?

Don’t make the people dealing with your mistake have to look after your feelings too. An apology should not demand reassurance or forgiveness from the affected person.

Bosses need to be honest with themselves about their possible failings, which requires vulnerability and strength of character, says the writer. (Photo: iStock)

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY HAS LIMITS

Being specific about an apology also means understanding where responsibility begins and ends.

When you run a company, almost everything can eventually be traced back to you. An employee made a mistake, but were the instructions clear? A deadline was missed, but were sufficient resources provided?

Follow that reasoning far enough and everything becomes your fault. It is exhausting, and it does little to explain what actually happened.

Dr Sinha suggests examining what the boss could directly influence. If a boss directly caused a problem, they should own it fully.

In the case of a wider failure, they should identify what they could have anticipated, communicated or done to reduce the harm.

Taking the blame for everything may look noble, but it does not examine what went wrong and how the organisation can learn from it.

In reality, some mistakes cannot be undone, even with a sincere apology. An evening with family cannot be returned; a humiliating remark cannot be unheard.

In such cases, what a boss can offer is a credible reason to expect different behaviour next time: earlier decisions, clearer responsibilities, or a way to flag problems before they become crises.

How leaders respond also tells employees whether the standards they are expected to uphold apply to the boss.

"Employees' experience of how leaders respond to mistakes tells them whether accountability, honesty and speaking up are genuinely part of the culture, or simply expectations placed on everyone else but the leader," Ms Kwek said.

If I ask my team to own their mistakes and learn from them, they should be able to expect the same from me.

For my team, the true test will come when another project is faced with similar deadlines. They will see whether I manage my time better and allocate resources more carefully. As the old adage goes: "actions speak louder than words". Hopefully, there won’t be many more reasons for them to hear the words "I am sorry" coming from me again.

Kelvin Kao is the co-owner of a creative agency.

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企业创始人高凯文表示，如果老板做错了事，应该愿意向员工道歉，但许多老板似乎不愿这样做，原因包括害怕名誉受损甚至承担法律责任。

作者认为，如果老板犯了错，应该愿意向员工道歉。（图片：iStock）

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成年并非人生的单一阶段，而是一系列阶段。它涉及方方面面，从理财、购房到平衡工作与生活、维系良好的人际关系，都可能令人感到不知所措。在本系列文章中，CNA 将结合个人经历和专家见解，探讨成年生活中的种种挑战，帮助读者应对这些挑战。

最近我不得不向我的员工道歉。我未能按时交付工作成果，导致团队成员为了赶进度，不得不熬夜加班。虽然项目最终还是按时完成了，但考虑到这件事给他们带来的焦虑，我觉得有必要承认自己的责任。

于是我召集了所有直接受影响的人，看着他们的眼睛说：“对不起。”他们的反应很冷淡，这也在我的意料之中。没有人上前祝贺我多么谦逊。也没有出现大家手拉手唱《库姆巴亚》、彼此宽恕的感人场面，或许这样也好。

职场咨询公司 Great Place To Work ASEAN 和 ANZ 的董事总经理 Evelyn Kwek 女士认为这种回应很有道理。

“信任是通过日常小事建立起来的，而不是靠惊天动地的大事，”她说。“员工在收到道歉后自然会采取观望态度，看看是否真的有所改变。”

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为什么老板不道歉

人们理所当然地会期望老板在犯错时道歉。然而，为什么感觉真正道歉的人如此之少？而那些道歉的人，为什么有些人的道歉又如此拙劣？

作为一名老板，我认为这是因为我们总是以自己的意图来评判自己，却以他人的行为来评判他人。当事情出错时，我总能给出看似合理的解释——解释为什么事情会发生——以及为什么这真的不是我的错。

我当时事情很多，没人追着我，也没人反复追着我。我为什么要道歉？

然而，即便这些理由情有可原，我们最终还是要扪心自问：难道我们真的无能为力，无法改善现状吗？我真的忙到没时间做项目，却有时间在Instagram上刷负面新闻吗？对自己完全坦诚很难，因为这需要坦诚面对自己的脆弱，也需要坚强的意志。

作者认为，老板做错事时应该承担全部责任。（图片：iStock）

不说对不起的好处

事实证明，不道歉甚至可能带来心理上的好处。2013年发表在《欧洲社会心理学杂志》上的两项研究发现，拒绝道歉可以增强冒犯者的自尊心，而权力感和控制感有助于解释这种现象。这正是我们保护自我的一种方式，让别人来承担后果。南洋理工大学南洋商学院的组织心理学家兼实践副教授Ruchi Sinha博士也指出，害怕承担责任和视角差异可能是某些老板不道歉的原因。

道歉可能会让人感觉像是承认错误，而这种错误日后可能会被用来对付自己。领导者可能会担心受到纪律处分、声誉受损，甚至在某些情况下还会面临法律后果。这种担忧会导致他们措辞谨慎，表达遗憾却不愿承担责任。

此外，双方的视角也存在差异。对老板来说，稍稍延迟的决策或许只是个小疏忽，但对员工而言，却可能意味着整整一周的加班时间，用来赶工。领导者要想做出真正有意义的道歉，首先必须从对方的角度认识到这种疏忽造成的伤害。

你为什么要道歉？

这就是为什么经典的“我很抱歉你有这种感觉”本质上算不上道歉。虽然它确实包含了“抱歉”这个词，但它巧妙地避开了问题的根源，反而让员工的反应听起来像是问题所在。

然后还有一种道歉，但后面跟着一个“但是”。

“对不起，但截止日期很紧。”“对不起，但你应该早点告诉我。” 确实，在找出问题所在时，背景很重要，但这不应该抹杀我们对问题的责任。

因此，有效的道歉需要具体明确：我做了什么，造成了什么后果，以及我应该如何改正。

这还需要克制住将场合变成我们自己的冲动。

辛哈博士补充说：“人们能听出以造成伤害的人为中心的后悔和以受害者为中心的道歉之间的区别。”

老板感觉糟透了，他对自己非常失望。有没有人能安慰安慰他，告诉他他仍然是一位好老板？

不要让那些处理你错误的人还要顾及你的感受。道歉不应该要求对方做出保证或原谅你。

作者指出，老板需要诚实地面对自己可能存在的不足，这需要他们具备脆弱的一面和坚强的意志。（图片：iStock）

承担责任也是有限度的

道歉时要具体明确，也意味着要明白责任的起始点和结束点。

当你经营一家公司时，几乎所有事情最终都能追溯到你。员工犯了错误，但指令是否清晰？错过了截止日期，但是否提供了足够的资源？

如果按照这种逻辑推演下去，所有事情最终都会变成你的错。这令人精疲力竭，而且对解释实际发生的事情也毫无帮助。

辛哈博士建议，应该先审视一下老板能够直接影响的方面。如果老板直接造成了问题，就应该承担全部责任。

如果出现更广泛的失误，他们应该找出他们本可以预见、沟通或采取哪些措施来减少损害。

承担一切责任看似高尚，但却无法探究哪里出了问题，以及组织可以从中吸取什么教训。

事实上，有些错误即使真诚道歉也无法弥补。与家人共度的夜晚无法重来；一句羞辱性的话语也无法抹去。

在这种情况下，老板可以提供一个可信的理由，让员工下次有不同的行为：更早的决策、更明确的责任，或者在问题演变成危机之前发现问题的方法。

领导者的反应也能让员工了解，他们被要求遵守的标准是否适用于老板。

郭女士说：“员工从领导者如何应对错误中获得的经验，可以告诉他们问责、诚实和敢于发声是否真正是企业文化的一部分，还是仅仅是对除领导者以外的所有人的期望。”

如果我要求我的团队勇于承担错误并从中吸取教训，他们也应该期望我做到这一点。

对于我的团队来说，真正的考验将出现在另一个项目面临类似截止日期的时候。他们会看看我是否能更好地管理时间，更谨慎地分配资源。正如那句老话所说：“行动胜于雄辩”。希望他们以后不会再听到我说“对不起”了。

Kelvin Kao是一家创意机构的共同所有人。

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